The Mirror Lied
by Madarao The Authoress
Summary: L.A. can have a strong effect on people. There's a certain image that is expected. Popstars are supposed to be thin and gorgeous. A few offhand comments, and the lifelong fear Kendall has had resurfaces: The fear of being overweight. A dark, downward spiral begins. Will anyone notice? Will anyone care? Who can piece the unbreakable back together? Kames. Mild Kendall x OC.
1. Fear's Distortion

A/N: Hi. So. I've never posted in this fandom before. And I really should be working on _Safe and Sound_ instead, but I knew I'd never get that done if I didn't write this.

I know there were more things that I should address here...

I'm not sure... really where I'm going with this story. I don't have everything planned out- for the most part- like I usually do. This idea came to me just last night, and I stayed up all night to write it. I just... I felt that I needed to... I dunno; get it out there. So I did. I might continue it, if I get a good response. Or I might not. It just depends on how I feel, really.

This story is... pretty close to home, actually. I'm struggling with issues similar to those that Kendall is in this story. Maybe not exactly alike... and I'm sort of flip-flopping right now. I don't really understand it all... but I figured that it would make a good story, so, why the hell not? Kendall will follow a path very similar to mine... in the beginning. But I'm planning to put him in positions that I, myself, hope that I never reach. Just a warning there. (Some of the things that Kendall experiences in this very chapter, I have experienced as well, so please don't be asses.)

In the event that I do continue it, this _will_, eventually, be a Kames story. Just an FYI. So if you're not cool with that... you might want to leave right now. Also, Kendall's pretty OOC here, but I'm trying to keep everyone as close to their original characterizations in the show as possible; unfortunately, I haven't really followed the show. I used to love it, then I moved away from it, and now I like it again. So there's that.

This is another 'if I continue.' If I do, the rating might possibly go up, depending on what I decide to put in. For now, I'm not planning anything with content that's too terribly mature. If necessary, I'll alter the rating, though, and I'll try to warn you if I do that.

I think that's all I wanted to say... I'm so sleepy and hungry, I don't even remember... If I forgot something and suddenly remember it, I'll put it in the next chapter, should there _be _a next chapter.

Warnings: Cursing. Problems with self-image. Self-loathing. Beginnings of eating disorder?

Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush.

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_**~Fear's Distortion**_

It was so difficult to be happy now. Kendall didn't understand it. Back at home in Minnesota, it had been the easiest thing in the world. Even with no father figure at home, he was happy- his father leaving was probably for the better, actually, seeing as it was an end to the beatings; he had amazing friends, a caring family, people at school liked him, and he was amazing at hockey. What was so different in L.A.? He still had his friends, and his family; most of the people at school liked him. And though they didn't really get to play hockey anymore, he and his three brothers goofed off in the studio. There was only one difference. He wasn't happy; not anymore, at least. At first, it had been great, and he'd been ecstatic.

But now...

He wished that he had never taken Gustavo up on his offer and brought them all here. In his attempt to keep them together, he'd actually pushed them apart. Logan had Camille. Carlos had his stupid stunts, pranks, and attempts to get the Jennifers. And James... James had a new girl every week.

Why did James have to be so perfect?

Why did he himself have to be... such a loser?

Most importantly, how did he become so unhappy in just a number of weeks?

He knew how. Or, at least, he knew the trigger. It had been something Gustavo had screamed at them at the studio earlier in the month.

-xXx-

_It was a normal day at Rocque Records. Big Time Rush was supposed to be working on one of the new dances, but instead, they were gathered outside of the dance studio, bags of cheese puffs resting against their stomachs, on their laps, or on the floor against their legs. Mr. X had gotten fed up with them for the time being- they were purposefully being difficult and messing up so that he'd have to leave and cool down- and they had no idea where he was. In the boys' minds, a short break wouldn't hurt. _

_Carlos had thrown the first puff. It had turned into a war after that. It was a bloody battle. Small bodies of cheesy puffed corn flew every which way. They were stomped underfoot as each member of Big Time Rush ran for cover, attempting to hit the enemy all the while, hollering at each other and laughing wildly._

_The end result was a big mess. The white couches had streaks of orange cheese. Crumbs had been stomped into the carpet. _

_Needless to say, Gustavo was pissed; he, with Kelly in tow, had been the one to come and break it up- having heard the big commotion through the crack in the recording studio's door. His face had grown red immediately, and no attempts at soothing from Kelly had calmed him. _

"_Dogs!" They all stood at attention at that, staring at him as they waited to be berated. "What do you think you're doing?! Do you see this huge mess?! You're supposed to be in the dancing studio, not out here throwing around this..." he picked up a discarded and partially empty bag, "... this... GARBAGE." It was a miracle he didn't throw it at them; he just crushed it in his fist. "Go back to the dance studio! Work this off! No one wants a fat popstar, and that's exactly where you're headed if you keep eating like this!" With that, he stormed back off to the recording booth. _

_Kelly sighed heavily, pulling out her phone. "Boys, please... try not to do anything like this again. You know how he is!" Of course, she knew that trying to reason with them wouldn't work. They were incorrigible. "Please." she pleaded one more time, before dialing a number and pressing the phone to her ear as she walked away. Judging by the bit of conversation that was audible before her disappearance, she was speaking with someone who would come and clean up their mess- at least, the cheese streaks on the white furniture. _

_James immediately got huffy once left alone. "What?! There's no way I'm getting fat! I'm James Diamond!" Then he performed his famous gesture, wriggling his fingers as he moved his hands to frame his face. _

_Carlos was laughing, from the idea that the cheese puffs- their favorite snack for their entire lives- would cause them to gain so much weight when it never had before, and also from James' outburst. _

_Logan rolled his eyes and tried to usher the group back into the dance studio; he'd much rather that Gustavo didn't come out and yell at them again. _

_Obviously, none of them noticed the growing look of horror on Kendall's face as he stared at the spot where their producer had previously stood. Slowly, he reached down to pick up the snack bag that had been tossed angrily to the floor. His eyes moved to the nutrition label, and disgust mixed with the horror in his expression. Just thirteen pieces had 150 calories? He'd eaten way more than that..._

"_Kendall!" Logan's voice caused him to drop the bag and turn to look at the other. "Come on! Before we get into even more trouble!" _

_After a moment, the blond just nodded jerkily and followed his band mate to the dance studio, wher a calmer Mr. X was waiting for them. _

_And so had begun his downward spiral. _

-xXx-

Gustavo's words had stuck with Kendall after that. At first, they didn't bother him _too _badly. He ate normally and didn't worry much about gaining weight.

But then, a few days ago, he'd caught a glimpse of himself in the bathroom mirror on the way to shower. Immediately, he'd backtracked to stare at his naked form in the reflection. Was that really what he looked like...? Every time he showered now, he'd stand in front of the mirror for as long as he could before getting disgusted, poking and pinching the fat of his stomach.

Kendall had always feared gaining too much weight. The workout that hockey had provided kept him happy with his figure; he had thought that dancing would have the same affect on his body, but he'd obviously been mistaken. Now, his fear was becoming a reality. He knew that he couldn't allow that. He had to... manage it.

But how did he do that?

By now, he was getting more used to the feeling of his stomach growling. After all, he was hungry almost all of the time. That fact disgusted him. How could he be so hungry? He couldn't just _eat_.

But he did. When he was shaking and had to cross his arms over his stomach in hopes of silencing it. When he felt like he was going to pass out. He'd eat enough to silence his stomach, and he'd despise every single bite of food that went into his mouth, every single calorie he consumed. More importantly, he despised that he was so weak, because when he started, he couldn't stop. He'd finish everything on the plate or in the bowl as if he was starving to death. And it felt like he was.

_I'm so pathetic... _he thought miserably, burying his face into the pillow on his bed. _I don't think I can even move... I just want to lay here forever..._

Despite not really having the energy to do so, Kendall lifted his head and looked towards the bathroom door when it opened. A grinning James stepped into the room, drying his hair with a towel; his black lounge pants were riding a bit low, and the waistband of a pair of grey boxers were peeking above them. It was obvious he'd just gotten out of the shower. The blond just stared at him.

"Shower's all yours, buddy. But I'd hurry up. Mama Knight said that dinner will be ready in about ten minutes."

He shoved his face back into the pillow. Great, a few of his least favorite things. Eating, moving, and showering. It wasn't that he didn't like to be clean. It was more that... he hated seeing himself. The bulge of fat at his waist. It made him sick to his stomach, and he hated himself for allowing it to come into existence.

Oblivious, James laughed and tossed the wet towel at his best friend; it landed over his head. "Oh, quit being lazy, Kendall." When he still didn't move, the brunet added, playfully, "If you keep laying around all day, you're going to get fat, and then Gustavo'll pitch a bitch."

That twisted the knife. His stomach clenched- or possibly that was just it growling again- and he felt nauseous. Jumping up, he draped the towel over his blond head so that James couldn't see his face as he grabbed clean clothes. His knees felt wobbly, and his head... wasn't right; it was like he was floating, and his vision only offered a narrow tunnel, his ears ringing.

"Hey, Kendall!"

He didn't answer his best friend as he walked into the bathroom, closing the door firmly behind him and being sure to lock it. He leaned against the wood, tilting his head back and closing his eyes. He was so tired...

It was a few moments before he could bring himself to push away from the door, dropping his clean clothes into a heap on the tile floor. Reluctantly, he removed what he was wearing and discarded it into the dirty clothes hamper. The mirror was fogged, and he really knew that he should just leave it that way.

But maybe a part of him _wanted _to hate himself.

Using the side of his hand, Kendall carefully cleared the moisture on the glass away enough that he could see his reflection. At first, all he did was stare. Then, slowly, he reached up. His fingers formed a triangle around his naval, before his fingers curled and his nails dug into this stomach. Green eyes stared at the skin that bulged between. When he let it go, it fell back into place. The tip of his index finger prodded it a few times, then he pinched it again- this time just between his forefinger and thumb. Those same eyes moved up, meeting their counterparts in the mirror as he turned to his side. Carefully, he placed his fingers against his abdomen, almost between his hips, and pressed all the fat up, so that it looked like his stomach was flat.

That was better.

He let go, and the illusion disappeared. That was the breaking point this time. He turned his face from the mirror in disgust and turned on the shower, stepping under the spray as soon as it was warm enough. For a few minutes, it was fine. His head fell back as he worked shampoo into his hair, then washed it out again. His eyes were closed when he washed his face.

Then he had to actually bathe.

Kendall could look down his form, and see a body that disgusted him. Needless to say, he washed as quickly as he could. Even then, he didn't feel like leaving. Slowly, he sank down to sit at the bottom of the shower, hugging his knees to his chest and staring down at his feet. His stomach rumbled hungrily again and he shook his head slightly.

_How many calories have I had...? _He calculated in his head. His shaking fingers slid down his shins and over the tops of his feet. _About 450 in more than twelve hours. Goddammit. _He squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lip- hard. That was too much. How was he supposed to lose weight like this?

There was a bang on the door and he jumped. It was a good thing he wasn't standing, or else he'd have probably fallen and busted his rear. "Y-yeah?" he called, hating that his voice shook. He'd not spoken practically all day.

"You've been in there forever, man!" That was Carlos. He was surprised. "Mama Knight wants to know if you're _actually _planning on eating!"

Kendall wanted to snap back that, no, he wasn't intending on eating. But he knew that he couldn't say that, so he just swallowed hard. "Yeah. I'll be out in a minute." he called back, pressing his forehead to his knees.

"Cool! I'll tell her."

There was no need to reply after that; he knew that his friend had already run off again. Angry and disappointed in himself, the blond reached up and turned the water off, then dragged himself out of the shower and dried off dazedly. This time, he didn't bother to look in the mirror; he had already seen way more of his hideous body than he'd wanted to.

The drawstring on his pants had to be tightened, and his shirt was a little loose. That was something he didn't understand. His clothes seemed to be a bit too big now, but he couldn't tell that he'd lost _any _weight. When he looked at himself, there was no change.

Dropping his towel into the hamper, Kendall left the bathroom and quietly walked down to the dining room table. He was really hoping that everyone had finished up by now and was gone. That hope was dashed before he even made it to the main room; he could hear voices. All of his friends were still sitting at the table, his mother was in the kitchen washing dishes, and Katie was curled up on the couch with one of her video games in her hand.

There was a homemade pizza sitting in the middle of the table. The sight and smell made his stomach twist hungrily and his mouth watered. He was starving, but he didn't want that at all.

So many calories...

He slid into his seat by Logan- who was currently reading one of his medical books- and picked out the smallest slice of pizza still on the dish. It was still too big in his eyes. Hesitantly, he took a bite, watching James and Carlos argue over the last of the Coca-Cola. It was in the hopes that it would distract him from the food, and he wouldn't feel the hate that meals caused him now. It didn't work, of course. As soon as he tasted the pizza, he hate himself and the food; he just wanted to spit it out, but it was pretty clear that he had no willpower.

That piece was gone before his mother even split the soda between his two previously-arguing friends.

"Is that all you want, sweetie?" Jennifer asked, placing a hand on her son's shoulder as he pushed his plate away.

He looked up at her and smiled. "Yeah, Mom. I'm not really that hungry. I had a big lunch." The lie would work, seeing as he'd been home alone during lunchtime.

"Oh, okay. So long as you're eating enough." She kissed the top of his head before picking Logan's plate up and carrying it to the kitchen.

James nudged him under the table with his toes, grinning at him. "You could have invited us back for this 'big lunch,' Ken."

His green eyes rolled so hard he thought they'd roll right out of his skull. "I didn't have any idea where you were."

For a moment, that beautiful smile fell, but then it came back- not nearly as bright. "You... could've called."

To that, Kendall just shrugged and stood up. "Didn't want to interrupt anything important. I'm going to bed." He could feel eyes on him as he walked back to the bedroom he shared with James.

Carlos swallowed his mouthful of Coca-Cola. "What's wrong with him...?"

The little encounter had gotten Logan's attention, as well. "Maybe... he's just tired...? He did look it..." He closed his book on a finger. "Has he been sleeping okay, James?"

The brunet had been blinking after his best friend in confusion, but when he heard his name, he looked back to the table. "... Huh?"

"I asked you how Kendall has been sleeping." Logan reiterated, not bothered by having to do so.

"Oh. Uh... I... I don't really know. He's usually asleep when I go to bed, and I almost always have to wake him up when I do..."

The aspiring doctor frowned. "Has he been having nightmares...?"

"If he has, it hasn't woken me up."

Carlos piped up with, "Maybe he's just stressed! Gustavo _is_ riding us pretty hard."

The other two murmured agreements to that, though none of them were really sure.

Upstairs, Kendall had practically collapsed back into the bed. His stomach was gurgling. Whether it was irritated or appreciative, he wasn't completely sure, but he grunted uncomfortably. He hated the noises, and he just hoped that they stopped by the time James came up.

Curling on his side, he wrapped his arms around his stomach in hopes of silencing it, his eyes locked on the wall. The blankets were pulled up to his chin. It felt like they were blocking the whole world out. Which was good, because he wanted to cry so badly that it hurt. Not because he was so full of self-loathing. Not because he was disgusted by the person that looked back at him from the mirror. Not because he was fat and ugly.

But because James Diamond was so damned perfect that he could never love someone so hideous as he was.

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A/N: Please leave a review! Tell me if you liked or hated it, and if you want me to continue this or not. ^^


	2. Deception

A/N: Holy crap. I did not at all expect the response that I got! Ten reviews, ten followers, and nine favs. And it's only been... what? Three or four days? You guys are amazing.

I've replied to all of the reviews that I could, but I wanted to thank all the people that reviewed anonymously! (Even if you're not still reading. Heh.) Also, thank you to everyone who favorited or followed! I don't know who all that is right now, but you know who you are, so you know that thanks is for you.

I couldn't think of a good title for this one, so forgive the crappy one.

For anyone that wanted an update on me personally, I'm currently eating again. It kind of makes me hate myself, but it also makes me feel better. That's partially due to the places that I've had to put my mind for this story, the research I've had to do for this story, and the books I've read recently on anorexia. (Currently, I'm reading Spoon Fed - A Year in the Life of a Teenage Anorexic as Seen Through Her Eyes by Jake Jacobs. All profits go towards the treatment his daughter needs to overcome her battle with anorexia, which has last since 2001.) I really do care about my health. So, I've decided on a lot of exercises, and simply... eating better and watching calories, but not freaking out about them. It's a bit difficult; I still do worry, but I'm forcing myself to do this because it's better. So... wish me luck!

Kendall's not going to be so lucky. In fact, he's going to go further and further downhill. So beware. I'm not going to bother with ratings. It's basically the same as last time. And you already know that I don't own BTR.

Also, I've got my links up on my profile; my facebook, tumblr (if any of you follow me, I'll make a blog devoted entirely to my writing,) and fictionpress is up there, if you want to follow me. My profile pic is now a picture of me and my date from prom a few months ago. I just love that dress. -heart- (This pic won't stay for long. So. xD)

Anyways, thanks for the support! Read and review, please!

* * *

**_~Deception_  
**

Green eyes- dulling everyday- stared ashamedly down at the plate of pizza rolls in front of him. There were so many calories. Right there. Kendall had estimated in his head. About 245 calories already that day; it was nearly midnight. Could he stand two hundred more? His stomach gave a loud, nauseating rumble that said he would. A part of him wanted so badly to just scarf that down, then raid the kitchen and eat his fill. And for a moment, he considered giving into it, but the thought of gaining more weight from such an action stopped him.

Reaching out with a shaking hand, he picked up his cup of water and took a sip. No calories. This was fine. It almost slipped out of his hand when a sleepy voice behind him surprised him.

"Kendall? What're you doing up?"

The blond turned on the stool to look over his shoulder, staring at James. For a few moments, he just blinked at him, then he shrugged. "I was... uh... hungry."

"Oh yeah... You didn't eat dinner with us..." Yawning, the brunet came over to sit down beside his best friend, unceremoniously stealing one of the pizza rolls off of the plate. To be honest, Kendall was kind of grateful for that. "I figured you'd sleep through the night, though. You always do."

"Woke up and couldn't get back to sleep." That was the truth, at least. He'd woken up, and his empty stomach hadn't allowed him to fall asleep again until he got up and got something to eat. As much as he hated himself for it, he had quickly given in, grabbing a jacket as he left the room. He was currently hugging that jacket tightly around him, but it wasn't doing much for keeping him warm; he was still freezing. "So I came down to get something to eat..."

James didn't seem to notice the disgusted tone of voice. He stole another pizza roll. Now there were only four on the plate; only 132 calories now. Better. "Oh." He watched his best friend for a moment, then frowned. "Are you cold?"

For a moment, he didn't answer, then he impulsively stuffed a pizza roll in his mouth so that he couldn't talk and simply nodded his head. Their main room was a frozen tundra.

"Really?" The frown deepened. "It's not cold... Do you have a fever?" A tan hand moved blond hair from the other's forehead as he felt to see if he was warm.

Kendall was forever grateful that James wasn't looking at him. He wasn't sure if he felt like he was going to pass out because of the lack of food, or because James was _touching _him. "N-no."

He nodded his head in agreement, then let his hand drop. "You're right. You don't."

"I'm just sleepy. I get cold when I'm sleepy." It wasn't a lie, at least. He hated having to lie to his family and friends. He smiled in assurance. "I'll just finish eating and then go to bed again. You go on up." The next pizza roll had to be forced down with a swallow of water.

Though he didn't look too keen on it, James nodded and clapped his best friend on the shoulder, standing up. "Alright, buddy. Don't stay up too late. We've got to be at the studio early tomorrow."

"Right." Kendall muttered, turning back to his almost-empty plate as his friend retreated back to their bedroom. Unable to help himself, he finished off the last two rolls, then discarded the plate.

When he curled back up in bed, he was disgusted with himself.

-xXx-

The next morning, Kendall made sure that he woke up late- rather, he remained burrowed under the blankets on his bed until he knew that he couldn't wait any longer, and Carlos was about to drag him out by an ankle. That way, he could skip breakfast, and have a legitimate excuse for it. Nobody questioned him on it, and for that, he was incredibly grateful. One thing that he absolutely hated was lying to his family, to his brothers. If he could find an excuse other than "I'm not hungry-" because that was always a lie, at this point,- then he would pounce on the chance to use it. He had a feeling that he would be lying a lot in the coming days.

This time, though he was usually the one to do it, he tossed the car keys to James as the four boys made their way into the parking garage. Logan gave him a funny look, knowing that Kendall loved to drive because it made him feel free; he was the only one to question, seeing as James was celebrating the chance to drive, and Carlos' attention was on the corndog- which he'd snuck past Mama Knight- he was having for breakfast.

"You don't want to drive?"

The blond shook his head. "I'm still really sleepy. Makes me nervous to drive when I'm like that." It was believable enough that the smart boy accepted it.

"Ah. Let's just hope James doesn't pay more attention to his reflection the rearview than he does to the road this time." he replied, grinning at his friend.

Kendall offered a small smile in return, even if he didn't really feel like doing so. "Perhaps I should have given _you _the keys." They both laughed at that, climbing into the vehicle. He took the passenger side in the backseat, leaving Logan to sit in the seat in front of him. This way, he couldn't be observed; the look he'd received only a few minutes prior had set him on edge, and now he was worrying that the aspiring doctor would catch on.

Thankfully, James didn't endanger their lives too badly this time, and by the end of the ride to Rocque Records, he was a bit more comfortable with the idea that all three of his friends were still completely oblivious to his current struggle. That set him at ease; that set him at ease, seeing as he had enough to worry about as it was. Like what they were planning to do about lunch, and how he could wriggle out of eating a big meal. A few calories were fine, but knowing his friends they would want pizza, and just the thought turned his stomach.

Gustavo wanted them to start off the day with an hour of dance drills with Mr. X. That produced the usual chorus of complaints from most of the boys: James about his hair getting all sweaty so early, Carlos about it being too early, and Logan about the idea in general. Kendall normally would have added to the complaining, but for once, the idea was actually... appealing. Dancing would burn of some of this fat.

They were usually forced to do whole dances, but today, they were practicing moves that proved to be troublesome. That meant that one boy might be doing a different dance move than another.

It was already becoming more difficult to concentrate. His mind was jumping from topic to topic, mostly about food, and his stomach was rumbling hungrily- thankfully not too loudly. Still, he tried to keep up with everything that Mr. X was telling him to do, copying movements and occasionally tripping over his own two feet- which, of course, exasperated the dance instructor. It made him feel better that Logan wasn't having much better luck, but that wasn't anything new really.

He had just managed to perfect one of the more complicated steps when Kelly came to retrieve them. It was time for them to work in the recording booth; Gustavo wanted to work on We Are, as he claimed they were incredibly weak at certain parts- especially harmonies.

The criticism started the moment they walked into the room, and that was also when Kendall started getting irritated with it. They usually just rolled off of his shoulders, and he'd reply to them sarcastically. At first, he just glared at the producer for every comment. It didn't take very long for him to get past this point, though. Or to mess up, for that matter.

He missed his one of his cues, for his second line in the song. Despite realizing a few seconds afterward, and trying to save himself by singing it anyways, he stuttered a bit at the beginning and his voice cracked when he tried the high note. The blame couldn't be entirely placed on him. James had given him a sidelong look while he was singing, and it had distracted him terribly to the point where the only other person that existed was the brunet, his beautiful voice, and his mesmerizing eyes.

Of course, Gustavo didn't quite seem to understand this- not that Kendall would have explained it to him in the first place- and the music abruptly stopped. As one, the band braced themselves for the producer's outburst.

"Kendall!" It was a miracle the word 'dog' didn't come out of his mouth. "What do you think you're doing?! You know these lines, you can hit these notes! Pay attention!"

Nobody expected the blond's reaction, though. Not even Kendall.

"If you don't like it," he snapped as he jerked the headphones off of his head and threw them down, "then you get in here and sing it! I'm sorry! Damn! I'm only human!" He could feel the eyes on him as he stormed out of the booth, kicking a pillow against the wall and slamming the door back against it on his way.

He stomped around blindly for a few minutes, until he'd calmed down enough to stop. When he did, he saw that he'd simply walked out back of the studio, and was standing on the concrete stairs. There was no doubt in his mind that Gustavo would tear him a new one if he went back right then. So instead, he sat down at the railing, crossing his arms over the cool metal and resting his forehead against them. He stared at where his shirt was rumpled up at his hips. But all he was thinking about was what was underneath it. _What is _wrong _with me...? _

-xXx-

There was silence in the studio after Kendall stormed out. Every single person was staring at the spot he had previously occupied, matching expressions of shock on their faces.

Gustavo was the first to speak.

"... What was that?" he asked, looking to the remaining boys in the booth.

They shrugged simultaneously, and then James seemed to shake himself. "I'll... I'll go find him."

"We'll go with you." Logan offered, apparently having come back to himself, as well. Carlos nodded eagerly in agreement, incredibly worried about their friend.

"No." He shook his head. "We don't want to overwhelm him, right? After all, we don't know exactly what's wrong."

As much as he wanted to, Logan couldn't come up with a way to argue with that, so he simply nodded after a moment. "Okay..."

The Latino shoved him towards the door, frowning. "Just go make sure he's okay, James."

Nodding, he left the recording booth, and started to search his best friend out. He checked everywhere; the dance studio, the other recording booths, the bathroom, even behind the couches they'd nearly ruined a few weeks prior.

"Dammit, Kendall..." he muttered to himself, frustrated. Why did he have to be so difficult? It occurred to him that the blond might have retreated to their car, hoping to hide out there despite the heat and the fact that James still had the keys. With this new thought in his head, he headed to the back of the studio and opened the door. When he saw Kendall sitting on the edge, hunched over the railing, he paused then moved the trashcan so that the door wouldn't close and lock. "Ken...?" he asked softly, sitting down beside his best friend and laying a hand on his shoulder. He could feel the other jump underneath his touch, and then vibrant green eyes moved up to him as the other's head lifted.

"Oh... I didn't hear you come out..."

"We were all worried about you." James lifted one of Kendall's hands off of the railing, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a package of crackers, pressing it into the other's palm. "Here. You always get moody when you skip breakfast, so I got these out of the vending machine for you."

Kendall stared down at the pack, wanting to hand them back and insist that he was fine. But his mind was overrun with thoughts of how warm the other's skin had felt against his own, so he just nodded. "Thanks..." he murmured, carefully opening it and taking a bite of one.

"We had no idea where you'd run off to. It kind of had us worried. You've never done that." He crossed one leg underneath the other. "Honestly, I was kind of worried Gustavo was going to wring your neck for cussing at him like that."

The blond laughed softly. He'd finished one cracker, and already, he was feeling much better than he had been. Far less moody, at least, but knowing that this was just more calories made him hate himself. "Yeah. Did I get a vein?"

"Nah. No bulging veins this time. Just this goofy look of absolute shock." James nudged his shoulder. "My face probably looked the same, though."

"Hmm." Since he was being watched, he ate another of the crackers, intending to finish the whole pack so that the other wouldn't get suspicious. "Wanna show me, pretty boy?"

James wrinkled his nose at him. "I don't think I could even if I wanted to."

"We should go back... Before Gustavo gets _really _mad." He crumpled the plastic in his hand as he climbed to his feet, followed by James.

"I guess you're right."

Kendall was surprised that their producer didn't give him hell for what he'd done. Logan and Carlos looked relieved that he hadn't run off and done something stupid.

The rest of the day went without a hitch. He even ate a bit at lunch, because he knew that they'd be back in the dance studio afterward.

-xXx-

That night, Kendall got to the bathroom first, having to mow down James in the process. It wasn't anything new for them; it was how they always decided who showered first, and they laughed the whole time. It was the first time in a while that he'd actually felt... _happy. _

That was, until he walked into the bathroom with his change of clothes and stripped down. He stepped onto the scale. Judging by the reading, he was already down eight pounds from what he had been just three days ago. It made him feel pretty good, but then he looked into the mirror. To his own eyes, he looked exactly the same. Maybe even worse.

Biting the inside of his cheek, he reached up and pinched the skin of his stomach between his fingers. Desperation tightened his chest.

What was he going to do...?

After his shower- this time interrupted by James, when he was agonizing over his figure again- he told his mother that he was going out to dinner with Jo and that he'd be home later. Because she trusted him, she let him go.

The truth was, he just didn't want to eat. Instead, he invited Jo on a jog. They'd broken up, but they were still friends, seeing as it hadn't ended on a bad not, and they often hung out together. Unfortunately, she had to decline because she was running lines with Jett.

So he went by himself, stretching by the pool before he went out and started jogging along the sidewalk. He wasn't much for running, but all the dancing kept him in shape enough that he was able to jog for a while before he had to slow down and catch his breath. Of course, then he'd just start jogging again. He stopped in a park to rest for a few minutes and then stretch again before he jogged back home; he only walked for about five minutes this time, even though he was tired and wanted to walk more than that.

He had to exercise. He had to lose weight.

He also knew that he couldn't come in looking so sweaty, and expect not to be questioned. No excuse came readily to mind, though. Since he could think of nothing else, he sat outside until the sweat had dried. If he went straight up to the shower, then he'd be fine.

When he walked back into 2J, his mother was in the kitchen, Katie was nowhere in sight, and his three best friends were on the couch watching movies. Well, Logan was watching the movie; James and Carlos were throwing popcorn at each other. Kendall wanted to grab a handful, but he knew that he couldn't, so he didn't.

"Hi, sweetie! Did you have a good time?" Mama Knight asked, smiling brightly as she dried off a bowl.

He nodded reflexively. "Yeah. It was great." he replied, then jabbed a finger towards the hall. "I'm going to get a shower."

James stopped, his hand drawn back to throw another piece of the popcorn. "Dude, you just got one when we got back from the studio. I'm all for being clean, but seriously."

"That seems a bit obsessive." Logan agreed, laughing softly.

"Come watch the movie with us instead! You could have some of the popcorn!" Carlos offered, holding up the nearly-empty bowl.

Kendall just shook his head and let out a nervous chuckle. "No, I really need to shower. A waiter tripped and spilled soda on me." Lying was better than them finding out, but it still made him feel guilty. "I'll watch with you when I get done." he promised, and before they could argue, he ran to their room.

He tried to hurry in the shower, but he stared at himself in the mirror before and afterward. He hated what he saw. All that jogging had done no good, and that made him feel terrible. When he was done, he _did _go back to watch the movie with his friends, but instead of eating the offered popcorn, he threw a piece at James' head. It hit him in the ear. This resulted in another food battle. The pieces were strewn all over the couch and coffee table; since they weren't on the floor, Carlos picked up a few pieces and popped them into his mouth, starting with the ones that had landed on Logan.

James tackled Kendall to the couch cushions, then sat on his back. "Ha! I win!" the brunet announced, proud of his victory.

The blond underneath him alternated gasping for air and laughing. "Alright, alright! You win! Now get off!"

"Nah. This is a nice throne." he replied, wriggling his rear against the other's back.

Kendall hid a shiver with more struggling. "Oh, so I'm just a throne to you?"

"Pretty much."

Carlos snickered and nudged Logan's leg as he watched. "Hey, man, this is better than the movie."

"Well, it always _is _entertaining to watch idiots struggle." The aspiring doctor smirked.

Kendall and James shared a look before James vaulted up to tackle him, with the blond not far behind. Carlos joined in not too long after, and they wound up as a tangled mass on the floor by the time Mama Knight came downstairs to insist they go to bed. They had school in the morning, after all.

Reluctantly, the boys turned the television off, then said their goodnights as they went to their shared bedrooms.

James had to wonder, when he settled down into his bed, why Kendall seemed... different than he used to.

* * *

A/N: Next update may be a bit longer of a wait. I do have another story I'm working on, and I'm not sure about the complete contents of the chapter- though I do have a bit of an idea.

Reviews, please~? -heart-


	3. Alones

A/N: Holy shit. -gasps- A chapter. Well lookit that. This one's pretty damn long. I'm not sure if there will be any more as long as this. I kind of hope so. I loved writing this one. I really did. It was a lot of fun. Even though I'm totally ruining my sleeping schedule- or lack thereof- by staying up late to write this.

Please don't hate Kendall in this. He's a bit of an asshole. But remember what he's going through and forgive him; his life is going to hell!

Thank you to btrgirl4eva for reviewing! She was the only anonymous reviewer I had, so everyone else has been replied to. Also, thank you to all my new favoriters/followers. I love all of you guys! -heart-

This chapter is named after a Bleach opening. DEAL WITH IT.

Hum-dum. What else? Oh yeah! Everyone who hasn't read SuperNeos2's _Heavy Blood_, as soon as you finish this chapter, go read it! That is amazing! Omg. I can't even. Srsly. Don't argue. Just read, review, and then go find that. Do eet.

You understand warnings and ratings by now; nothing has changed yet. You should also understand that I don't own BTR.

'Kay.

Enjoy. :D

{Was reading back over this and saw a part in the second paragraph that made me go 'Wuuuuut.' So I fixed it.}

* * *

_**~Alones**_

School was getting more and more difficult as time went on. It had been a couple of weeks since Kendall had begun eating even less and exercising every chance that he got- helping with chores around the house, walking around the apartment aimlessly, at the microwave while he waited for food he wouldn't actually eat, waiting for the water in the shower to heat up, not to mention the runs that he went on every evening now. During class, he was tired because he wasn't sleeping well, and his mind was never on his lessons; it was always focused on what he could eat that had the fewest calories, and when he could squeeze in some extra exercise.

He'd dropped twelve extra pounds in just that amount of time. That was twenty pounds in all. Despite being moody and starving and exhausted, he felt happy; he was beginning to be able to tell that he was getting better, just by looking in the mirror and tracing the outline of his ribs with his eyes. And _that_ meant that he was actually losing weight; he still pinched his stomach before every shower, and he was still dissatisfied with what he saw in the mirror.

But it was a start.

School, though... On top of being distracted all the time, he also had to hide the fact that he wasn't eating. Normally during the warmer months, they'd all sit around the Palm Woods pool during lunch hour so that they could enjoy the sun and the not-so-unbearable heat while they ate and joked around. Before, Kendall had loved doing this, but now he dreaded it. People would ask why he wasn't eating, which he found annoying.

Wasn't it obvious?

His first remedy had been to bring small things- carrots, apple slices, things of the like- and nibble absently on them while everyone talked. It had worked, for a while; if they could see him eat anything at all, then they were satisfied.

But then James, Logan, and Carlos had started to ask why he never ate anything more than the fruits and vegetables. Saying that he was trying to eat healthier hadn't satisfied them.

It had gotten to the point where he had given up the normal lunch hour routine. It was too much of a hassle. _His friends _were too much of a hassle. So, instead of hanging out with everyone else at the pool, he had started sneaking away, then retreating upstairs to apartment 2J. His friends had questioned him a few times on it, but he'd just told them that he was trying to work on a new song and wanted the peace and quiet.

The excuse wouldn't work forever, but it was good enough for now. Lately, it wasn't so far from the truth, either.

This bright, sunny school day found Kendall Knight seated on the soft orange couch in their apartment, legs crossed 'Indian-style,' as they'd called it in elementary school. A sleek, polished Martin D-28 Dreadnought was resting on his thin thigh. The neck was balanced on his palm, fingers of one hand carefully sliding over frets as their kin coaxed sound from the thin strings. His head was tilted so that the base of his skull rested against the cushioned back of the couch, bright green eyes closed. Had he not been obviously awake because of the sound coming from his guitar- the first thing he'd bought for himself after getting his initial paycheck- one would have guessed that he was sound asleep; the unsightly bags under his eyes suggested that a few hours of it would do him some good.

It seemed that his voice had been suffering for his actions. It was weak and breathy, as he ran out of air quicker and had to take more breaths. He had taken it upon himself to remedy this, and what better time than when he was sitting alone in their silent apartment?

_Cover Girl _was a song that used to mean so much to him. It had been one of his favorites to sing, and he wanted to do so all the time. Now, it made him feel... terrible, to be quite honesty. Every time he sang it, he would feel guilty and even more disgusting. It was a song that preached the only beauty that was important- the beauty that was inside; personality and humor.

And yet, here he was, starving and ruining himself because what he saw in the mirror made him want to sob. No, scratch that; what he saw in the mirror made him know that James would never be able to love him, and _that _made him want to sob.

But he still sang it, because in a twisted way, it made him feel better about himself. He was getting better, after all; losing weight. Maybe there was hope for him, after all.

Even though their songs were originally sung by the four of them, he was taking it upon himself to sing them all by himself. Right then, he had just started _Cover Girl, _and was ready to delve into James' first line.

"... that to me you get more beautiful, every day-"

"When you're looking at the magazines, and thinking that you'll never measure up... You're wrong~"

Kendall jumped so badly that he nearly slammed his head against James', startled out of his skin. His heart fluttered nervously in his chest like a trapped butterfly, and he moved one hand up to place over it in hopes of calming it down. "Holy _hell_, James." he gasped, dropping back against the couch to catch his breath. The brunette had initially been hovering right over him, but as soon as those beautiful green eyes had made an appearance, he'd slipped to the side, knowing that he had mere seconds before their heads were bashed together; now, he was bent over the back of the couch, just a pace away from where he had been, and snickering as he watched the blond. "Are you trying to kill me?!"

The brunet didn't answer for a moment, still laughing too hard to form words. After a few more moments, though, he was able to recover, and jumped over the back to plop on the cushion next to his best friend, who was still breathing heavily as he tried to calm himself. "Of course not, Ken. I need you here." he finally answered, nudging the other's shoulder. "I just thought your voice sounded lonely." And sad, but he didn't dare to add that.

Kendall gave him a confused look. "... What...?" He wasn't sure which one he was asking about. Probably both, to be honest.

"You stay by yourself all the time." James shrugged his shoulders. "We hardly ever see you anymore, unless we're in class or in the studio."

The blond wrinkled his nose, trying to hide the irritation in his expression, and turned away from his friend as his grip tightened on the neck of his beloved guitar. "That's because all of you have lives. You've got people to go and see and hang out with; I don't. I only have you guys, and you don't need me. None of you. That's why you never have time for me." His tone was bitter, much as he hated that. He knew that he shouldn't be bitter. He should be happy to be ignored; it was probably the only reason that he was getting away with eating next to nothing and working his body to its limit. But he couldn't help it. These were his best friends- his brothers- that he was talking about... and none of them even cared enough to see that he was slowly killing himself.

Since he wasn't looking over at him, Kendall missed the way that James' eyes widened in shock. He missed the look of horror and disbelief. Strong fingers wrapped around his thinning wrist, trying to pull him closer. With the little strength he had, he forced himself to remain where he was; refusing to move. But he couldn't stop his head from turning when the other hand pressed against his cheek and turned it. To be honest, he was a little surprised by the expression on the other's face.

"What the _hell _are you talking about, Kendall?" James' worried hazel eyes searched his face. "We all need you! We wouldn't be where we are now if it wasn't for you."

The blond just shook his head, flinging his wrist to make the other release him as he shoved his prized guitar onto the corner couch cushion, and stood up. "Shut up." was all he muttered before he retreated to the bathroom as quickly as he could. A part of him was hoping that James would follow him, but that part was silenced and buried by the portion that wanted his best friend to just leave. Swallowing hard, he pressed his back to the locked bathroom door, hitting his head back against it. His stomach growled, but he ignored it.

James stared after his friend as he escaped through the bathroom door, stunned. It wasn't like Kendall to act in this manner.

What was wrong with him...?

Pressing his hands against the couch cushions, he pushed himself to his feet and quietly walked over to the bathroom door. Once outside of it, he hesitated, his hand lifted to knock. Was this really a good idea...? Maybe Kendall just needed some time to himself. But the way he was talking, he felt that he was having nothing _but _that. He rapped his knuckles lightly against the wood. "Kenny?" After a few moments without response, he sighed softly and knocked softly again. "Come on. Open the door." He heard another thump and felt the door rattle under his hand; he assumed that was Kendall hitting his head. The scraping sound was probably him sliding to the ground. It worried him some, the fear that the blond had passed out bubbling up. "You said that we never have time for you, but I'm here right now! _You're _the one that's keeping me from being there for you!"

There was no sound from the other side of the door; at least, no reply. But if he listened hard enough, James could swear that he heard the faint sound of a sniffle. There was no way that Kendall was crying. That just... wasn't possible. On his side of the door, he knelt down on the floor in front of the door, resting his forehead against the cool wood. "I'm not leaving, Kenny." he warned softly, only loud enough so that he was sure the other could hear. One of his hands moved up, splaying against the solid object between him and his best friend.

But perhaps that wasn't the _only _thing that had come between the two of them.

They both sat in silence. James could hear the clock ticking, the sound of his own breathing, the beat of his own heart. But he couldn't hear anything from Kendall. It was painfully obvious that they were both missing their final hour of school, but neither could be brought to caring. James didn't want to leave Kendall, and Kendall didn't want to have to push his way out past James.

So they sat.

-xXx-

After class, Logan and Carlos made their way quickly up the stairs, knowing that the elevator would be full and not wanting to wait for it; they were just going to the second floor, anyways. When their two friends hadn't returned to class for the last two hours, they had gotten incredibly worried and had tried to skip out; the teacher had caught them, though, and forced them back to their seats.

Neither James nor Kendall had answered their phones when they'd texted them. This was cause for more worry. Normally, they'd have both replied as quickly as they could.

"Do you think they're okay?" Carlos asked worriedly, trailing slightly behind his other friend as they quickly climbed the stairs. "You don't think anything's happened to them, right?" Fans could be crazy; everyone knew that. What if one had found their way into the Palm Woods and snatched one-fourth of Big Time Rush?

Logan shook his head firmly, setting his jaw. "No way. Someone would have seen if something had happened. I bet they just started dicking around in the apartment and didn't come back down." Needless to say, he was going to give them a piece of his mind for worrying them so much. Next time James forgot his lunch and had to go retrieve it, he was getting an escort that would drag him back down to the pool. There wasn't much that could be done for Kendall; they were never sure where he escaped to during lunch, as he just seemed to disappear the moment they were dismissed. That was worrying, too, but he supposed that everyone needed some time alone.

As he fumbled for the key to the apartment, assuming that it was locked, the Latino beside him reached forward and twisted the knob. They were both surprised when it opened. "James?"

"Kendall?" Carlos called, stepping into the apartment behind his brunet friend.

"Kendall won't come out of the bathroom." It was barely loud enough for the two of them to understand. Two backpacks hit the floor as Logan and Carlos round the kitchen counter to find the source of the voice- which was easily recognizable as James', but they had no idea where he was. They found him, still kneeling in front of the bathroom door.

"What? Why not?" Carlos asked, confused, as he went to knock on the wood. It gained no response.

"Is he okay? Did he get sick or something?" The aspiring-doctor of the group stepped up as well, considering knocking himself. But he assumed that he would get just as much of a response as the other boy did- and that was none.

"No. I don't think he's sick..." James faltered on that answer for a moment. Kendall _was _looking paler than he usually did, and his cheekbones seemed more... prominent, somehow. Maybe he was sick? He shook his head. "I dunno. He won't talk to me. I tried to get him to, but he just shoved me off and locked himself in there. I'm worried about him..." Even more so, after he realized just how much the blond was changing physically. Reaching up, he grabbed onto Logan's wrist. "Help me get him out. Please."

"What did you think we were going to do? Just let him stay in there?" Logan scoffed, pulling James to his feet.

They all three shared a look, before nodding. Shared words weren't necessary for them to form a plan.

In unison, the three members of Big Time Rush raised their hands, and pounded the sides of their balled-up fists against the painted bathroom door.

On the other side, Kendall jolted awake at the sudden noise, having fallen asleep slumped against the door frame. It took a moment for him to realize where he was; the frantic voices on the other side- begging him to come out- helped him along with that. Reaching up, he ran a hand over his face and sighed. His stomach gave an annoyingly nauseating twist, unable to find anything to digest. He checked himself, wishing that he had his jacket; he wore one all the time now, and not just because he was usually cold. It helped to hide his new figure from those that would ruin it for him. Instead, he pulled his t-shirt sleeves down as far as he could and stood up, not wanting to face this.

But it wasn't like he could hide out in the bathroom forever, much as he wanted to.

The noise on the other side of the door ceased as soon as he unlocked the door and stepped out. His three best friends were gathered around him, staring, and he hated that. So he gave a weak smile. "What? Before he could add anything more to the question- it would have been a joke to ease the tension he felt- he was slapped up over the side of the head. "_Ow! _What the _hell, _James?!" he gasped in shock, rubbing the back of his school.

"Don't you dare do that again, Kendall!" he growled, grabbing onto his best friend's shoulders and shaking them. Why did they feel so thin...? "What even _was _that?!"

The blond hated this. Logan and Carlos both looked so confused and worried, and James appeared torn between irritation and worry. Why did they feel that they had to pretend for him? He already knew that they didn't _really _care; they could just drop the act. Carefully, he shrugged the other's hands off, not wanting it to seem like he was pushing the brunet away again. Even if he kind of was. "Sorry, Jamie. I just... haven't been feeling myself lately. It won't happen again." He tried to put as much sincerity into his voice as he could manage, but he fell slightly short.

"Well, duh!" Nobody was expecting Carlos to speak up when he did, especially like that. "We can all tell that you haven't been feeling like yourself! You don't even act like our Kendall anymore."

Logan nodded in agreement. "He's right. You're so distant, Kendall. You never have time for us anymore."

The anger rose in Kendall's chest and threatened to cut off his air supply. "I'm surprised you guys noticed." he snapped, shoving between the group that surrounded him. "I'm going to change. We're supposed to go to Rocque Records. Remember?" It was nice to be able to focus on work. Especially since the dancing provided him with much-needed exercise. In fact, it was practically the only exercise that he could get without having to lie about the intentions behind it.

Nobody followed him up to the bedroom this time, and for that, he was incredibly grateful. It allowed him to change in silence, and to beat back the tears that he felt welling in his eyes. How could they treat him like this? Pretend to care? Come up with a bunch of shit to try and convince him that they did? He already knew that they couldn't care less about what happened to him, so why didn't they just give up and leave him with his knowledge.

He _wanted _to hit the self-destruct button.

Downstairs, James, Logan, and Carlos were all looking between each other, having no idea what to say. What could be said, really? Every single one of them wanted to help their friend- and, most importantly, convince him that they really did care- but how could they do that? He wouldn't listen, and he kept pushing them away. It was so frustrating.

-xXx-

Nobody said a word as they drove to the studio. It was just Logan, Carlos, and James in the vehicle. When he had come down from their room, Kendall had ignored his three best friends and, after grabbing his wallet and phone from the kitchen counter, left without a word. They had assumed he was still upset with them and would be waiting by the Big Time Rush mobile, but upon tracking it down in the Palm Woods parking garage, had found it sitting by its lonesome; no blond in sight.

The glances they'd exchanged had been worried.

It wasn't until the parked outside the studio that one of them broke the silence.

"Do you think he ran away...?" Carlos asked softly from the backseat, swallowing hard at the thought. With the way Kendall had been acting, it wouldn't really have surprised him, but it did scare him some.

"Of course not!" James replied instantly, not wanting to believe that his best friend could do something like that, even if he was acting weird.

"I bet he's here waiting for us. He probably just jogged here." Logan answered reasonably, satisfied with his own answer. It was probably a smart choice, to be honest. In the car, they'd had to deal with street lights and traffic. Kendall didn't have to bother with any of that, and had most likely taken short cuts, as well.

"Let's go see." James, eager, pulled the keys from the ignition and got out of the vehicle, locking the doors as the three of them walked into the building. But their blond friend wasn't in the dance studio where they were supposed to meet.

"Mr. X." Logan spoke up, alerting the instructor to their presence. "Has Kendall been by?"

"Wait!" the man exclaimed, jumping up. "First, you must dance!" He proceeded to perform a short series of dance moves, which they sighed and repeated. "X-ceptional!" he complimented, crossing his arms in front of him in an X-shape. "Kendall hasn't been by. I thought he'd be arriving with you."

The panic mounted in the three boys, and they were just getting ready to turn and haul ass so that they could find their friend when the leader of Big Time Rush stumbled through the door; he'd been running, and one of the workers had yelled after him to watch where he was going and stop racing around like a lunatic. There was a thin sheen of sweat over his pale skin, but he didn't mind; sweat meant that he was burning off calories, even though he'd yet to eat anything that day. Still, it meant he was losing weight.

Relief flooded James, and he felt his fingertips tingle with the emotion. He wanted to smack Kendall and hug him tightly at the same time. At least nothing had happened to him... He'd been so worried that he'd gotten hurt or kidnapped or...

"Kendall, plea-"

"What are we waiting for?" the blond asked, effectively cutting off Carlos' request. He chose not to see the hurt expression on the Latino's face. "We've got dancing to do."

Since Gustavo was struggling with the lyrics for their new hit, he'd told them to just practice their dancing, as he said that Logan was still absolutely atrocious, Carlos added _too much _of his own flair, he _still _didn't like James, and Kendall was getting slower and kept making mistakes. Normally, the comments would have bothered the leader, but at this point, he was almost beyond caring; he hadn't so much as rolled his eyes at the descriptions. If anyone had found this odd at all, they hadn't said anything about it.

Today, they were working together on dance routines for specific songs, as opposed to separately on certain moves that were giving them trouble. They were lined up- Logan, then Kendall, then Carlos, and finally James, from their right to left- and ready for anything that was thrown at them. The tall pretty boy had saved himself the trouble of doing it later, and had already rid himself of his shirt; it was tossed over one of the music stands in the room. Carlos was wearing a muscle shirt and shorts; Logan's sleeves were rolled up. But Kendall was still wearing jeans and a hooded jacket over his t-shirt, showing no intentions of taking any of the clothing off; it wasn't like he could, even if he wanted to.

The room was hot. James' beautifully toned chest was incredibly distracting, especially when it began to glisten with sweat. That made the room even hotter for Kendall. Between the heat and the distraction, he was constantly tripping over his own feet, or missing a step, or even stepping too far to one side so that he bumped into Logan or Carlos. Mr. X was very quickly getting fed up with him. That much was obvious.

Again, he just couldn't bring himself to care. He would just shrug and stare absently past the man at the wall as he was yelled at. A bit of annoyance did flash in his eyes at one point, but he was feeling so tired and light-headed that it didn't remain there for long.

It was an hour and a half of nonstop work. While his three friends seemed virtually fine- a little out of breath and sweaty, but nothing that was unexpected,- Kendall was really struggling by this point. He was already light-headed, but soon enough, his vision began to fade in and out, and he had to blink really hard to get it back. The stumbling and mistakes got worse. He barely even heard the berating anymore. At one point, Carlos leaned over to ask if he was okay, and he was quick to nod even though he wasn't. He must have looked terrible, because Logan was trying to check his temperature against the inside of his wrist- even though he knew it wouldn't work, since the physical activity had caused all of their internal body temperatures to rise.

After fifteen more minutes, he couldn't take it anymore. "Can we take a break?" he finally asked, sounding incredibly breathless and weak, as he pressed a hand to the side of his head. His fingers curled in his hair. "I don't feel so well." If he could just sit down for a few minutes and get some water, then he would be fine; he was sure of it.

Mr. X turned to answer, but didn't get a chance to. Kendall knew that it was going to happen, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. The three remaining members of Big Time Rush saw the blond's bright green eyes roll back in his head, and simultaneously dive to catch him. They landed in a frantic heap, James' arm ensuring that Kendall's head didn't hit the hard floor. Logan was immediately up and trying to check their friend over.

"Is he okay...?" Carlos asked, sounding absolutely terrified of what could be wrong with the blond.

"Put his legs in your lap." Logan instructed instead of answering, two fingers pressed to the inside of Kendall's wrist.

Though he really wanted an answer, the Latino did as he was told and twisted himself so that he could lift Kendall's feet and rest them on top of his thighs. James was about to rest the blond head in his lap, as well, but the aspiring doctor shook his head. "Keep his head down. This position will encourage blood flow to his brain." he murmured, gesturing along their leader's body. "Mr. X, can you hand me some water?" He'd have asked James, but as soon as he'd stopped him from cradling Kendall's head, the brunet had simply begun to stroke his hair back from his face.

"He's so sweaty..." he breathed, stroking his thumb along the stretch of skin between the other's eyebrows. It shouldn't be that surprising, considering that he'd just been dancing, but for some reason, it made him want to panic even more.

"I thought he was dehydrated." Logan sat back on his calves, staring down in confusion at their unconscious band mate.

Mr. X handed over a bottle of water, for once fairly quiet. None of the boys had ever fainted before, and he was wondering if he had perhaps pushed them too hard. The shorter brunet reached back to pull his towel out of his back pocket, spilling some of the cool water onto it before carefully stroking the blond's throat and cheeks with it, hoping to rouse him.

"Thought?" Carlos asked, watching what Logan was doing for Kendall. "What do you mean _thought_...?"

"Well, it made sense." Logan could see that Kendall was starting to wake up, and he felt relief flood through him. "But normally, that would cause an increased heart rate. His pulse is... slow." The relief was clouded slightly by the confusion over his slow pulse.

James squeezed the blond's hand, leaning over his face when he saw the other's eyes fluttering. His own heart was beating out a samba, both terror and relief ruling his senses; it was confusing, to say the least.

"Is he awake?" Carlos asked, tone intense as he tried to peek around his best friends to Kendall's face.

"He's getting there." Logan continued to carefully stroke the other's cheeks, pausing only to spill more cool water over the cloth.

James was too focused on the blond's face to worry about what the other two were talking about. "Kenny?" he whispered, stroking a damp, prominent cheekbone with the pad of his thumb. "Wake up." He saw a slit of green and sighed in relief. The blond that held their attention so thoroughly groaned softly and moved his hands- sliding his away from James'- so that he could place them against the floor to push himself into a sitting position.

"Don't sit up yet." Logan instructed him, gently placing a hand against the other's chest.

Kendall frowned at him, but then nodded slowly and settled back down against the uncomfortable floor; he didn't really feel like moving, anyways. But James could tell he hated his current position- he'd hate to be sprawled out on this floor, too- so he shifted himself and then carefully lifted the blond's head, resting it in his lap. At least he had somewhere more comfortable to rest his head.

"Have you been drinking plenty of water?" the aspiring doctor asked, eager to find out what had caused their leader to suddenly collapse.

"Of course. I'm not an idiot." He could feel Carlos flinch, since his feet were still in the Latino's lap. "Sorry." he muttered, feeling somewhat guilty for having snapped like he did. He knew that the youngest of their group hated confrontation, especially with his friends, and the harsh tone wouldn't have sat well with him.

"What about eating? What have you eaten today?"

Kendall didn't answer that right away. More than anything, he didn't want to lie to the boys sitting in front of him, but he couldn't see any way around it. If he told them the truth, he might lose them _completely, _and that was something he just couldn't handle. So he shrugged. "I dunno. Stuff." he muttered quietly, biting the inside of his cheek.

Two pairs of brown eyes and one pair of hazel stared at him; it was obvious that none of them believed him.

"You don't remember?" Carlos asked before any words could come out of Logan's open mouth. He seemed confused, and Kendall didn't really blame him; it was a piss-poor excuse, after all.

But he simply nodded. "Yeah. It's been a long day already."

While they all would have loved to continue questioning him, James shook his head firmly, and when Logan seemed ready to ask another question, gave him a hard glare- daring him to defy him. The brainiac backed down immediately, surprised to have that look turned on him.

"Let's get you home. You need some rest." the tall brunet murmured, gently moved Kendall's head from his lap so that he could stand. "Can you walk by yourself?" he asked, holding out a hand to help the blond up. It was shoved away as the other stubbornly struggled to his feet, but when he stumbled, James was right there to catch him. "Don't push yourself, Ken. You can accept help." One strong, muscular arm slipped around the blond's waist, hand resting on his hip.

Reluctantly, Kendall draped one of his own around James' neck. "Yeah. Alright." Though he didn't sound happy about it. He allowed himself to be led from the studio.

"Will you go tell Gustavo that Kendall got sick and we're leaving?" Logan asked, looking to their dance instructor.

When Mr. X gave him a disapproving look, Carlos chimed in with a, "Pleeeease?" and one of his most-innocent looks. Who could resist that?

The man sighed and nodded. "Of course. Just take care of Kendall."

The two nodded enthusiastically before racing after their friends. Carlos got the main doors to Rocque Records and held them open; Logan held the car door open so that Kendall could climb into the passenger seat. Much to his surprise, James handed the keys over to him and slipped into the backseat with the blond, moving his head into his lap again. But he nodded and got into the driver's seat, Carlos in the passenger's seat.

The ride back to the Palm Woods was absolutely silent; the radio wasn't even turned on.

By the time they arrived, Kendall had fallen asleep. James carefully moved his head from his lap so that he could get out, and then with much effort- most of the being put towards trying not to rouse the exhausted boy- lifted him up into his arms to carry him up to the apartment.

Needless to say, he was shocked at how light the blond was. In the past, when they'd wrestled, Kendall had seemed heavier than this; but now, it wasn't difficult at all to lift him. For the moment, he didn't say anything about it, focused more on getting their leader into bed.

This time, the four band members took the elevator; Logan and Carlos didn't want James to have to lug Kendall up the stairs, even if it wouldn't have been a problem. The lobby was full- it was still early in the evening- and they got many stares as they walked through. Stares that were largely ignored.

As soon as they stepped into 2J, James cleared his throat to get the other two boys' attention, jerking his head towards his and Kendall's shared room.

Logan and Carlos shared a confused look as they followed the tall brunet upstairs, sitting side-by-side on the free bed. James himself had settled at the top of Kendall's bed, his back pressed up against the wall and the sleeping blond's head resting against his stomach, his own knees pressed to the blond's hips. It was an awkward position, but he didn't want to be too far from the other and this was the most comfortable way he could think to sit; no one questioned it, thankfully. For a few moments, it was quiet as he tried to figure out what to say, worrying the inside of his bottom lip.

"I think..." he finally started, his gaze shifting from the wall to his two friends on the bed. "That Kendall may be lying to us..." His hazel eyes moved down to the chest that was rising slowly underneath their leader's olive green hoodie.

"Lying?" Carlos squeaked, put off by the idea.

"Lying about what?" Logan pressed, not wanting to believe it. The four of them were brothers; there were no secrets between them, and there was _certainly _no lying.

"I don't think... that he's eating... Not like he should, at least..."

The only sound in the room was Carlos' shocked, breathy gasp, and then a tense silence fell over them, everyone staring at the sleeping singer.

* * *

A/N: Legit. I dunno when the next chapter will be up. -shrugs- I've got a lot of ideas, but I don't want to rush too badly, and I also don't want to bore you. And I really need to work on _Safe and Sound_ omg.

So yeah. Dunno.

If you want to hear about possibilities of when I might update, or know if I'm even working on a new chapter, or even get possible sneak previews of the next chapter, then follow me on tumblr: madaraotheauthoress. tumblr. com without spaces. Awesome. (I swear I won't put this up again. It's just that I've finally made an _actual _writing blog. xD )

Please leave a review! They mean the world! And if you have any ideas, feel free to toss them out there. I may or may not use them, depending on if they'll flow with the story.


	4. Blame

A/N: Holy shit where did all these words come from?! I dunno. -shrugs- I'm not all that fond of this chapter, to be honest. It feels rushed, but perhaps that's because my brain is just jumping all over the place. Yay. Perhaps that was the reason for the fuckup on the previous chapter. Which has now been fixed, btw.

This story is doing really damn good. I didn't think it would be liked as much as it has been. Updates may take a bit longer after this, though. I'm about to get pretty busy, so... What can you do?

This is where I reply to **anonymous reviews! **Yay!

To **Friendly Advice: **I'm glad that you like the story and think it's good! I, personally, have been eating lately. But Kendall's not going to have such a good time of it. :D

To **Gabrielle Miller: **Right now, sweetheart. It's up right now. :D (Why do I call everyone sweetheart I don't even know. ._.)

Also, shoutout to **mambrino **for an idea that helped move this along! You rock! -heart-

One last thing. -deep breath- _Heavy Blood Heavy Blood Heavy Blood. _Awesome story right there. Go to it.

I don't own BTR, nor do I claim to. Warnings are like... violence and shit. 'Kay. :D

Enjoy, and then leave a review~

* * *

**_~Blame_**

It was quiet in their room, what with Carlos and Logan gone to pick up dinner. Mama Knight and Katie were out having a girl's night; she had called just before their movie had started to inform them that the house would be theirs until later that night. The younger of the Knight women had somehow convinced her mother to take her for a video game release, and so they wouldn't be back until really late.

So it was just the two of them; just him and a sleeping Kendall. Every now and again, the blond would shift slightly in his sleep, or murmur something that he really couldn't understand. Even the peaceful innocence that he saw in the other's face couldn't ease the worry that he felt. Every time he looked down at him, he was struck with just how... _small _Kendall looked, and he had never appeared this way to him before. In the past, Kendall had always been their big, strong leader; nothing could bring him down, could even cause his shoulders to slump.

But here they were.

James reached down to carefully brush strands of blond hair from where they were tickling the other's nose and cheeks. His fingers brushed against the cool skin, which caused Kendall to turn against the stomach that he was lying against. His face turned, nose pressing into shirt fabric; even in his sleep, the smell of Cuda registered and he murmured something that sounded suspiciously like the brunet's name.

"Dammit, Kenny..." He grunted softly when the sharp shoulder of his band mate ground against his groin. It wasn't the first time this had happened since they'd gotten home. The first time, he'd considered shifting away so that it wouldn't happen again- it was uncomfortable, after all- but he really didn't want to leave. He liked having Kendall lean against him like this. He liked being able to reach down and move his hair away, and to be able to hum soothingly when his eyebrows pulled together in distress.

Most of all, he liked to be able to watch the blond sleep. As stalker-ish as it sounded, it was simply because this was the first time in weeks that he had seen Kendall anywhere _close _to content. Plus, it was also the first time that he wasn't being shoved away.

He tilted his head back and closed his eyes, humming softly.

Next thing he knew, James felt the weight move from his stomach. When he lifted his head from the wall, his eyes met bright green ones. They were half-lidded, sleepy, and constantly blinking.

"What's going on...?" Kendall's voice was thick and rough, just like every morning. "I thought we were in the studio...?"

James pressed his hands into the mattress and sat up straighter. "You passed out, so we brought you home and you fell asleep in the car. I carried you up."

Those eyebrows furrowed for a moment, then slowly began to smooth out as his mind began to clear. "Oh yeah... Sorry, Jamie."

The brunet laughed softly and nudged his best friend's shoulder with a balled up fist, shaking his head. "What for? You needed help, so we helped you. That's what best friends do." The green eyes that had been on him flitted away, but not before he saw them darken. "And no matter what you may be thinking, we _are_ best friends, and we _do _care."

Before Kendall could do more than stare at him and open his mouth, the door to their bedroom opened and in came Logan and Carlos, lugging large brown bags of food. Kendall could smell it; it was most likely from their favorite Chinese place. His mouth started to water, and his stomach growled- something he hoped escaped the notice of his three friends.

He was so, so hungry...

"Oh, hey! Kendall! You're awake!" Carlos crowed happily, dumping his armload on the clear space of the blond's nightstand.

"Are you feeling okay?" Logan asked, depositing his bags on James' bedside table, which was right beside the other one.

"Yeah. I'm fine." Kendall answered, nodding his head. He only had eyes for the sacks of food, though. He wanted some of it so badly, but he knew that he couldn't. If he broke and gave in now, then he would never be able to get thinner. It would ruin him.

"Alright." James laughed as he swung his legs over the side of the bed. "Quit salivating. Gonna pass that out, Logie, or are you going to make us work for ourselves?" he teased, stretching his long legs out in front of him.

"Harhar. Very funny." Logan rolled his eyes, but handed a take-out box to Kendall.

The blond just stared at it as the rest of the food was passed around, debating whether he should open it and eat a couple of bites to please the others. Then again, if he did that, who knew if he would be able to stop...? He had willpower, but it seemed that once he started eating, he couldn't stop himself until it was all gone. This time, he didn't want that; after all, he'd gone all day without eating. Why put all of that to work.

"Kendall?" Carlos' voice dragged him from his thoughts, and he looked up at the Latino. "Aren't you going to eat? We got your favorite."

"No." the blond murmured, even though he so desperately wanted to say yes. He reached around James to place the container back on his bedside table. "I'm not hungry."

"What?" Logan asked in disbelief, noodles dangling from the chopsticks that had been on the way to his mouth.

"I'm not." He shrugged his shoulders as if it were no big deal.

James slammed his soda down on the nightstand. "That's bullshit." Kendall wanted to argue with him, but no words came to mind, so he just stared at him in shock. "You didn't eat lunch. You _have _to be hungry. And you are. Your stomach was growling while you were asleep. So don't tell me that you're not hungry." He picked up the container and shoved it towards his best friend. "Eat it."

"Please, Kendall... We're worried about you..." Carlos spoke up, his own food forgotten, as he stared at their leader with pleading eyes.

"You need to eat something. Come on. We're asking you because we're worried..." Logan took a deep breath and set his own food aside. "Are you eating...?"

Kendall backed off of his bed, bright green eyes darting between his friends. They were wide, and he looked absolutely terrified- like a deer caught in the headlights of a speedily approaching vehicle. "Wh-what? Of course!"

But they could all tell it was a lie, just from his expression.

"Kenny..." James sounded so hurt. So distraught. It killed him on the inside to hear that. "Why are you doing this...?"

What was he supposed to do? At this point, Kendall couldn't even form words. He felt on the verge of tears. Distraught and desperate, he shook his head and whipped around, jerking the door open and fled the apartment. He could hear voices behind him, and barely saw that people were having to jump out of the way to avoid being barreled over, but he didn't care. None of that stopped him. Blindly, he ran right out of the Palm Woods and through the crowds on the sidewalk. The amount of people steadily started to diminish. The light changed, became less vibrant; he didn't know it, but it was the streetlights coming on as the sun went down.

He only stopped again when he could barely breathe, and when he felt like he was going to pass out for the second time that day. His back hit a brick wall and he slid down to sit on the wet concrete. At some point, it had started to rain. Normally, that would have irritated him, but he was grateful for it now; it helped to hide the tears streaking relentlessly down his cheeks. Much as he tried to stop- or at least slow- them, they refused, and continued on determinedly.

One look around and it was obvious that he'd strayed way too far from home. Kendall had no idea where he was, but he could easily tell that he was in a bad part of town. The buildings were dirty and there were very few people around; the people that _were_ around were shady-looking. None of the signs worked; it smelled like smoke and drugs.

He needed to go. He knew that he did. As soon as he got his breath back...

"Well, look what we've got here, boys."

His eyes snapped open at the new voice. There was a group of about four guys- maybe five, but he couldn't tell if there was another male behind the one standing directly in front of him- surrounding him. There was definitely no space for him to escape through.

Not that he would have had time to do so. A large hand wrapped around his neck, the grip strong and unbreakable; Kendall couldn't breathe, no matter how hard he tried. "Aw, what's wrong, Twinkletoes?" the guy asked, noticing the blond's puffy red eyes and his runny nose. "Get stood up by your boyfriend?"

"No." Kendall snarled, clawing at the meaty hands. Normally, getting away would be no problem for him; he was a hockey player, after all, and could easily pry the fingers away, kick him in the crotch, and then run like hell. But because he hadn't been eating, his hands were weak and shaky. Possibly the only reason he was able to stay upright was because he was being held up.

His vision swam as he was lifted up and his head slammed back into the stained brick behind him. If he'd been able to breathe before, he certainly wouldn't be able to now. His eyelids drooped, head lolling.

"You might want to watch that tongue, before you lose it." The grip loosened enough for him to breathe as the man looked behind him; Kendall's feet slid against the wall to try and find some way to escape. "What do you think we should do with him, eh?"

"Bet he's got a lot of cash."

"I-"

"Said watch your tongue, faggot." His head slammed into the wall again... and again... He felt like he was going to vomit, if he had anything in his stomach, but thankfully, he just blacked out.

Not long enough.

He woke up to the group of men laughing over him, tossing his phone and wallet back and forth. They'd dragged him off someplace different; his jacket was gone and the back of his shirt was torn to shreds, suggesting that he'd _literally _been dragged across pavement. His back ached.

It was a different man that knelt in front of him, holding the phone out. "You want it, Blondie?"

Kendall thought about making a grab for it or at least nodding his head, but he knew that neither would work; if he could grab it, he wouldn't be able to run because his legs felt numb, and if he nodded his head, there was no way that he'd get it. Instead, he just stared at the man. This one had dark skin, unlike the one that had initially choked him. But he couldn't tell much with the rainy night and his own blurry vision.

"Dammit, kid." Knuckles to his jaw sent him reeling, and his cheek smacked into the pavement. "You answer when you're asked a question. Got it?"

The blond nodded jerkily, spitting out the blood that was welling in his mouth. How disgusting. He heard his phone unlock and looked around.

"Hm..."

"Oo, that one." the shortest of the group instructed, leaning around to press the tip of a dirty finger to the screen.

"Good choice."

The light from the screen blinded him when it was turned around, and Kendall had to blink a few times before he could see. It was James' contact information. For a moment, he was confused, but then it dawned on him.

"Don't!" he gasped out, throat raw and making his voice raspy. Finally, he made a grab for the phone, only to have his wrist crushed between the pavement and the thick sole of a boot. He wanted to scream, but he bit his tongue so that he wouldn't give them the satisfaction. His skin scraped painfully against the dirt and pebbles strewn on the concrete as he dragged his hand back, curling around it protectively as he pressed himself to the wall. "What're you going to do?" he asked warily, expecting to get punched again. He wanted away. His eyes darted around, searching for any possible opening; he found none between the four guys.

It was just him. He was alone. Again. He was always alone now.

"I think this is something he'd like to see, don't you?"

That was really the last thing that Kendall remembered, aside from agony. Someone kicked him in the ribs as soon as the other guy had finished talking, and as he shied away from it, forceful hands hauled him up and slammed him back against the wall. His head bounced off of the brick.

Everything was a blur after that. He knew enough to tell that they took turns beating the shit out of him. For the most part, they were focused on his abdomen; one of them liked knocking his legs out from underneath him, and another preferred to choke him and slam him into the wall- he assumed that was the first guy. At some point, he coughed up burning stomach acid; someone had kicked him one too many times in the stomach.

He didn't know if they stopped when he blacked out again.

-xXx-

It was raining harder when his bright green eyes fluttered open again. Kendall's whole body ached; even twitching a finger caused him great pain. For the moment, he looked around, moving only his eyes. The alley he was in was empty. Relief flooded him. His eyes found his possessions laying, rain-soaked, to his side.

Despite the pain, he forced himself to sit up. His wallet was open, and empty except for his driver's license; they'd have had no use with that, after all. His phone was smashed; it appeared as if someone had crushed it underneath their heel. He picked them both up, anyways, and shifted so that he could slide them into his pockets.

Then, taking a deep breath, he forced himself to his feet. Even standing was torture, and walking was even worse, but it wasn't like he could call for a ride. The rain was soaking through the remains of his t-shirt, and he wished that he had his jacket for a bit of extra protection, but he had no idea where it was. His knees protested every slow, jerking step.

He was just hoping that he hadn't run too far from the Palm Woods. All he wanted was to curl up in bed, fall asleep, and never wake up. His own self-hate had increased tenfold. Not only was he a disgusting excuse for a human being, but he had just _allowed _himself to be beaten. That would have never happened in the past.

A lot had changed since their arrival in L.A. He couldn't say that he blamed his friends for not wanting to have anything to do with him.

It didn't take very long for him to wander back into familiar territory; at least, he assumed that it didn't, but the pain was really beginning to get to his head again. For the first time, he reached back to feel where his head had been repeatedly slammed into the brick. He flinched when his fingers came into contact with the tender flesh; they came back tinted red. This didn't really surprise him. It was just a relief that he wasn't finding brain matter.

The streets were still busy. The bright lights and loud noises really hurt his head. But nobody asked if he was okay; he was grateful for that, because he didn't want to deal with anyone. It was still a decent walk back home. He passed the time by counting how many times his head throbbed.

But he lost count a few times and had to guess.

So he gave up as he trudged up the stairs to their apartment. Nobody had been in the lobby. This gave him extra time to brace himself for what he'd face once he got home. No doubt Logan, Carlos, and James were waiting for him to return so that they could berate him for running off like that, paying no mind to the fact that he'd been attacked.

When he had worked up the courage to open the door, he was faced with a nearly empty apartment. There was only one person there: Jo, pacing anxiously along the length of their bright orange couch. Her head flew up upon hearing the door open, and her eyes widened as she let out a loud gasp.

"Oh, god, Kendall!" she cried, running over to him. She reached up to cup his face between her hands, but thought better of it; the fear of hurting him even further reared its head, so her hands just fluttered around his face for a few moments before dropping back to her sides.

He tried to smile cheekily at her, but that hurt his face, so he let the expression drop after a few moments. "Oh, come on. I don't look that bad, do I?" Quickly, he discovered that talking caused his sides to ache.

"You look terrible." Jo muttered, then tried to usher her ex-boyfriend to the couch without actually touching him. "Please, sit down! You look like you need to. I'll call James. Tell them that you came home."

"Oh, yeah... Where are they, anyways...?" he asked, taking a seat on one of the bar stools instead of the couch. He didn't want to get the furniture wet and ruin it.

The actress stared at him as if he'd grown a second head. "They're out looking for you. Where else would they be? They're worried to death! I thought James was _really _going to be sick." Even as she spoke, she pulled out her phone and found the brunet's contact information, hitting the call button.

That was news to Kendall. He turned the thoughts over in his head, the frantic phone conversation serving as mere background noise. They were actually worried...? The thought made him smile sleepily. Once they got here, he could go to sleep. He was so sleepy...

He rested his chin in his palm. That sent a shockwave of pain down his arm and he quickly stretched it out in front of him. How had he even managed to make it back here? _Everything _hurt; every small inch of his body was in agonizing pain. He had noticed it as he limped home, but it hadn't seemed nearly this bad. His forehead thumped lightly on the counter top. He could still hear Jo talking on the phone, but her voice sounded far away through the blood rushing in his ears.

Seconds seemed to tick by like hours; his eyes followed the thin hand on the clock hanging on the kitchen wall. Or perhaps that was the minute hand... He was unsure; his vision wasn't exactly cooperating and was most likely sending wrong signals to his brain.

After an eternity, when he had just began to slowly doze off, strong arms wrapped around his bruised middle. All he could do was gasp out in pain and try to pull away- which, really, only made him hurt even worse.

Thankfully, though, the arms were pried from around him, and he heard, "Let him go, James. You're hurting him." He thought it was Logan's voice, but it was difficult to tell with the rushing blood.

"Kenny..." Tan fingers carefully moved the other's head up, hazel eyes taking in every small mark on the other's face. "God, Kenny..." At this point, he was having to choke back tears.

Had he been crying already...?

Kendall shook the thought from his head. No way. "Jamie..." He smiled sleepily. "I'm okay... I'm just gonna go to bed."

"Bullshit!"

The blond jumped- flinched afterwards- and looked over to the source of the voice: Logan. Carlos was standing behind him, and he was still crying.

"You need to go to the hospital, Kendall..." the Latino mumbled, wiping his eyes.

Kendall wanted to argue, and he opened his mouth to try, but James gently covered it with his hand. "You're going. I'll carry you all the way there if I have to."

In the end, he just sighed softly- the movement of his chest almost made him whimper- and nodded. "Okay. Let's just go. I want to go to sleep." He stood up, shoving off help from his tall brunet friend, and limped back downstairs. He was surprised to see the Big Time Rush mobile parked right outside.

The ride to the hospital was silent. Every bump and brake hurt him, but he remained quiet and tried not to look over at James too often. His best friend was openly staring at him now, and he could tell that his eyes were puffy. He _had _been crying. It made his heart lurch.

This time, he allowed help, but only until he was taken back to a room.

His three best friends were forced to stay in the waiting room.

James wanted to smash his head into the wall. How could they be so stupid? How could they allow this to happen? He kept up a rhythm by knocking his head back into the painted concrete blocks of the waiting room. His eyes were on Logan and Carlos. The aspiring doctor was attempting to console their Latino friend, but he himself knew that it was a lost cause. If Carlos was feeling even half as bad as he was, then absolutely nothing would help.

His leg started bouncing as he turned his head away, towards the doors they had taken Kendall through. They had already called Mama Knight, but that had before they'd gotten home.

For that reason, he slipped his phone out of his pocket and dialed her number. He didn't get a chance to say anything before she spoke up.

"_Where is he? Did you find him? Katie and I are almost home._"

"We've got him. We're at the hospital."

"_At_ _the_ hospital_?"_

She hadn't been told about the video that had been sent to James' phone. At that point, he couldn't even have told her anything; he was so upset that he felt like he was going to vomit, and even breathing was a challenge. The video had been deleted immediately, but that couldn't erase the images from his mind; Kendall's cries still echoed in his ears now. How could someone be so sick as to do that? "Yeah. He... he got beat up pretty bad, Mama Knight..."

"_I'll be there in five minutes._"

The line disconnected before he could say anything more, so he just resigned himself to waiting. But he hated waiting. It wasn't long before he was forced to stand up and pace the length of the floor in front of Carlos' and Logan's seats.

"You're going to put a rut in the floor." Logan murmured, hoping to calm him down and get him to sit. They were all worried, of course, but he knew that one of them had to keep their heads; that person certainly wasn't going to be James or Carlos, seeing as they were both so out of it. And he didn't think Mama Knight or Katie would be any better once they got here.

"So what? I'll put a rut in the floor. It doesn't matter. Kendall's laying in a hospital bed! So what's a rut?!"

"James." Logan kept his voice as calm as possible as he stood up and placed a hand on James' shoulder to slow him down. "What can we do? Worrying like this won't help."

"We chased him out there to that. This is _our _fault." Desperately, James grabbed onto the shorter boy's shoulders and shook him, his expression completely distraught. "He could have died. He still could die. And I would have killed him, Logan!" His nails had been digging into the other's jacket fabric, but now, his grip loosened as he came to terms with his own words. "Oh, god... Logie... I did this to him..." His knees buckled and he dropped to the hard tile floor, his hands slipping from the shoulders.

"No, James." Logan knelt in front of their friend, and even Carlos slipped out of the cushioned waiting room chair to sit down beside him.

"Those guys did this to him." the youngest member of their group assured him, rubbing between the brunet's shoulder blades.

"But it's my fault. If I hadn't pushed him..."

"We all pushed him. None of us could have known that this would happen."

"I didn't even expect him to take off like he did..." Logan admitted softly, looking between his friends. "I wonder how long this has been going on..."

James dropped his face into his hands, shaking his head. "You wouldn't believe how much smaller he feels..." He stared at the floor between the spaces where his fingers were cracked. "I picked him up, and it was like... feathers. He was so light..."

The doors opened and in rushed Mama Knight, pulling along a pale Katie. "Where is he?" she asked them immediately, her voice frantic. It was obvious that she'd been holding back tears, and that this was causing her to become hysterical.

"In a room..." James muttered miserably, not bothering to lift his head for the answer.

"They won't let us back yet." Carlos added, looking up at his second mother. He wiped his eyes again, not wanting her to see his tears. After all, that might break the dam for her, and he knew that she would want to appear strong for Katie. Especially since James was already a pitiful mass crouched on the floor.

"They haven't even come out to tell us anything yet. But I'm sure that they will soon." At least, Logan hoped that they would. Underneath his calm exterior, he was just as worried about Kendall as everyone else and was anxious to hear what the doctors had to say.

For a moment, Mama Knight didn't say or do anything, but then slowly, she knelt down beside James and pulled her four children- Katie, James, Logan, and Carlos- into a hug. She ruffled Logan's hair soothingly and gently rubbed Carlos' back; they were the furthest away from her. Then she pressed gentle kisses to James' temple and the top of Katie's head, since they were closest. "It'll be okay. He'll be fine, and we'll go home so that we can take care of him. Okay?"

Nobody responded to that, but nobody moved, either; they all wanted each other's comfort, but more than that, they wanted Kendall with them.

-xXx-

These hospital rooms were absolutely atrocious. The lights were dim, but seemed too bright at the same time. Probably because there was no color to the room, besides the couple of cushioned chairs; everything was white or light grey. Even the blankets were white. And they were thin, too; he was freezing and shivering underneath them, because the air conditioner was running nearly nonstop. He wanted to get up and turn it off, but the idea of walking was completely unappealing. The thought of calling a nurse for help was even more so.

The last thing he wanted was help.

In fact, Kendall had immediately informed them, upon waking up in this room, that he would not be staying any longer than it took his mother to sign the release papers. It wasn't really his choice, and he was aware of that; if the doctor ordered it, or if his mother thought it best, he would probably be stuck here. Despite having half a mind to stand up, change, and walk out.

Actually... the real last thing he wanted was the tray of food sitting on the wheeled stand beside him. It hadn't escaped the doctor's notice that he was incredibly thin, and they had insisted he at least eat before he leave. To satisfy them, he'd taken a few bites; when they left, he spit chewed up food into Kleenexes and tossed them in the garbage can until half of the plate was gone.

Sighing softly, he leaned further back into the pillow. He wanted to turn on his side and stare blankly out of the window- the city lights were twinkling beautifully beyond the pane of glass- but moving too much hurt his ribs and he was sure that laying on them would be even worse. The doctor had informed him that he had three broken ribs, and one with a small crack in it. He had a concussion, but his CAT scan was clear; no swelling or bleeding in his brain. Other than that, he had some bad bruising, a split lip, and a dislocated shoulder that left one of his arms in a sling.

All in all, he got off pretty easily, considering the circumstances. There was a knock at the door, but he didn't bother to respond to whoever was on the other side; he assumed that they would barge in, regardless, so what was the point? A few moments later, he was proved correct when the door opened. He could see them troop in out of the corner of his eyes, but he didn't bother to look over; Logan was the first in, with Carlos trailing behind him. He was beginning to think that was the end of the procession when his younger sister walked in, James in tow. The brunet looked nervous to be in the room.

"Hey, Kendall." Carlos said softly after minutes elapsed with no one saying anything. He put on the best smile that he could muster while recovering from crying so much.

The blond finally turned his head from the window to look at them. It surprised him to see that James looked like he'd hastily attempted to cover up the fact that he'd been crying before they walked in. It was... odd to see the pretty boy with puffy, bloodshot eyes; a red, runny nose, and tears streaks down his cheeks.

He hadn't done a very good job of hiding it.

"Come to bitch me out for running off?" he muttered, tilting his head back against the pillow. The ceiling was white; he hated seeing it, so he closed his eyes.

"Why do you keep talking to us like that?" James snapped, his voice rough from tears. He cleared his throat in an attempt to sound like himself again. "You've been doing it all day! And before that, you were barely even saying a word to us. What's going on, Kenny?"

Kendall didn't bother answering. He knew that they knew.

"You think we don't care about you anymore. That's it, right?" Logan stepped up and took a seat on the hospital bed at their leader's feet. "You've said it before. Not in so many words. But you have. We wanted to believe you were just being difficult..."

"Fine then!" the blond snapped, sitting up on the bed so quickly that he had to pause as he doubled in pain, panting. He felt the hands of his friends trying to help him back up and soothe him, but he shoved them away as best he could, glaring between Logan, James, and Carlos. Katie was standing at the foot of the bed, frozen in shock and looking on the verge of tears again. "That's what I think! I know you don't care anymore. Ever since we got here... we haven't been brothers. You haven't even noticed..."

Carlos opened his mouth to say something, but all that came out was a small squeak and he turned away, wiping at his eyes. Logan's jaw went slack as he stared at their friend. But James was starting to get irritated.

"Dumbass. You're the one who-"

The door opening again shut him up, and Mama Knight walked into the room. She paused at seeing her son and his best friend exchanging glares, but then cleared her throat and smiled as convincingly as she could; she was still so upset about Kendall getting attacked like this. "The papers are signed and we can go as soon as you change."

"Did you bring me any new clothes...?" His shirt was still in tatters. And his jeans were pretty messed up, too.

"Oh, yeah..." Katie walked hesitantly up to the bed, handing over a backpack that had been on her shoulders. "I forgot to give it to you... Sorry, big brother."

"It's okay, kiddo." Even if he couldn't count on his friends, at least he still had Katie and his mother. He let his legs drop over the side of the bed and nudged James to the side with a knee so that he could stand up. He could feel the brunet glaring at him as he walked to the bathroom, holding his hospital gown closed with a sore arm, so that he could change. It would have been wise to ask for assistance, but again, his pride got in the way. Not that James would have helped, anyways, and he wasn't sure if Logan or Carlos would, either.

He could hear whispers from the room as he struggled into his new clothes. The words weren't clear, and he wasn't sure that he wanted them to be, either. The mirror mocked him; fat and bruised and hideous. His skin was mostly black and blue; what he could see, at least. A lot of him was patched up, but it didn't hide the fact that he was still not skinny enough. Not in his eyes.

It took well longer than it should have for him to change. Even more so, considering the time he spent staring in the mirror and staring at the doorknob before he walked back out, his arm crossed over his chest in the sling. The whispers immediately stopped upon his entrance, and everyone stared at him. It was annoying and suspicious, but he didn't comment on it.

"Let's go. I'm tired and I want to go to bed." In his own bed, that was.

Any help was refused as they trooped out. The ride home was just as silent as his hospital room had been when he'd gotten out of the bathroom; Katie played with his hospital bracelet the whole way. The arm that wasn't in a sling was draped loosely around her shoulders, and he was leaning down towards her so that she could hear when he hummed quietly. When they were both younger, back home in Minnesota, he'd sing softly to her whenever she was upset or scared. That hadn't been a problem since they'd arrived in Los Angeles; not until now, that was.

The sound of his voice was appearing to calm her down slightly, though. At least she knew that her brother was okay, and that he still loved her. Every now and again, James would peek over at them. At first, he'd been pissed off about everything that Kendall had said to them, but it hadn't taken long for the anger to dissipate; it was replaced with an ache in his chest and a hollowness to his eyes.

The rest of her family could see the change, but they could only see the surface meaning. She knew how James felt, though. It had been obvious for a while now. James and Kendall had always been close; but that wasn't an excuse for some of the stray touches, the glances. She wasn't an idiot; neither was he. He knew that she knew.

How Kendall hadn't guessed, Katie didn't know. She liked to think that it was simply because he was doped up on pain medication, but that was no excuse for his obliviousness before tonight.

When they parked in the Palm Woods' garage, Kendall was still humming softly to his little sister, but it had become softer and more... erratic. He wasn't paying attention to what he was humming any longer; it was just whatever note he felt like hitting.

The pain medicine had him so out of it that he allowed himself to be helped out of the vehicle and up to the apartment by James and Carlos. Logan was the one who opened all of the doors and called the elevator for them. Mama Knight and Katie talked quietly behind them as they walked. Nobody else was around; they made it to their apartment without any trouble.

"Do you want something to eat or drink before you go to bed, honey?" Mama Knight asked, her hand hovering over Kendall's back. She was afraid to actually touch him, not wanting to hurt him, despite that he still had the pain medicine working its magic on him and was barely aware of where he was, let alone that he was in pain.

"No. I just wanna go to sleep." the blond murmured, laying his head over on James' shoulder. The brunet smelled like rain, hospital, and sweat. It was certainly a change from the Cuda- there was still a hint there- but it was nice. At least, most of it was nice; he would prefer if the sterile smell was gone.

"Alright..." While she didn't look too happy about the idea of sending him to bed hungry, there wasn't much she could do, short of spoon feeding him. But she would be sure that he ate every meal the next day. The doctor had informed her that he was underweight. This had been a surprise, because the four boys under her care had always had always had healthy appetites; shopping was always an adventure, especially when they came along. "Will you boys take him upstairs and help him get ready for bed? I don't think he'd want his mother helping him undress." She smiled at them, ushering them off.

"Sure, Mama Knight." Carlos replied, starting towards their rooms with Kendall in tow.

"See you in the morning." James told their second mother, supporting most of the blond's weight as they walked upstairs.

"Sleep well." Logan hurried after his friends, leaving the Knight women to their own devices.

"Goodniiiiight, Mooom!" Kendall called as he was guided upstairs to his bedroom, making James wrinkle his nose because his ear was being screamed into.

"Goodnight, boys! Sweet dreams!"

As soon as they stepped into the room, Kendall immediately went to fall face first one the bed, but a gentle arm wrapped around his hips and stopped him before he could do so. "Kenny, you're going to hurt yourself even more."

"Goddamn. Kendall's a mess on pain medicine." Logan observed as James helped their friend to sit down on the bed. But then the blond just flopped over backwards on the mattress and yawned.

"Let's get you into your pajamas and then you can sleep, okay?" Carlos offered, closing the door behind them.

"No." For that moment, Kendall sounded and looked completely in his own mind.

"What? Why?" the Latino asked, confusion furrowing his brows.

"Don't be a bitch. Just go ahead and get this over with, huh? We're all tired." James muttered, grabbing the hem of Kendall's shirt. His hand was shoved off, though, and the blond pushed himself back further on the bed.

"I said no!" He shook his head firmly, which made him dizzy. "I don't want you to see me like this, Jamie!" His head shook a bit slower this time. "I just want to go to sleep... So just let me do that..." He could feel a familiar stinging in his eyes. It was amazing how quickly he had taken to crying at the drop of a hat; in the past, he hadn't cried when his father had beaten him, or when his father had left, or when his first hockey tryout had ended in disaster, or when Brooke Diamond had come to take her son back home to Minnesota. Kendall Knight wasn't a crybaby. Or, rather, he hadn't been.

So seeing the unshed tears glistening in his bright green eyes shocked all of them to the core.

James was the first to move. To climb onto the bed beside Kendall and hug the blond to his chest as gently as he could, especially careful of his shoulder and ribs. "You can go to sleep now, Ken. But not until you hear me say... that you never have to hide any part of yourself from us."

"That's right." Logan agreed, sliding onto the bed with them. He joined in on the hug, sighing softly. "We've always been here for you, and we always will be. No matter what."

Carlos clambered onto the bed with them and wrapped his arms around his three best friends, conscious of Kendall's injuries. "We love you. We just want you to know that. Brothers for life, right?"

James turned his head slightly, his nose in the other's hair. "I love you, Ken. So give me all your problems."

Kendall sighed softly, smiling genuinely for the first time in longer than he could remember. "Love you guys, too..." His voice was faded with sleep and muffled against the tall brunet's chest. He fell asleep just like that, with Logan and Carlos and James murmuring assurances to him, their arms wrapped around him. None of them had the heart to move, worried that he'd wake up if they did. So, just like when they were little kids and one of them was upset, they fell asleep huddled together, in their tight little cocoon. Dirty, wet clothes; smelling of sweat and rain; and all just a little teary-eyed from the events of the day.

* * *

A/N: There we go! Another chapter in the bag. That was kinda sweet, yeah?

Now. I must go... and read the latest chapter of Heavy Blood! Srsly. If you haven't read it... read it.

I can't think of anything else that I want to say...

So review! ... Bye. -heart-


	5. Pathetic

A/N: Hiiii, guys. :D I'm really sorry this took so long. It was way too long, I know. And I don't even know what reviews I've replied to and what ones I haven't. So if I haven't replied to your review, I can't express how sorry I am! For next chapter, I'll reply to every single solitary review in one sitting so that I won't forget. I promise.

But yeah. School's eating me alive, and I can't write while the teacher's talking like I used to because I'm being homeschooled this year. And my own personal problems- the ones that inspired this story- have come back with a vengeance. I write when I get a chance, though! And I think I know how I want to start the next chapter already; that one's going to be serious bsnss. Oooo.

Also. My own personal OC- originally made for roleplays- is in here. Don't worry; this is not my way of throwing myself in the story, like some people do. He serves a legitimate purpose. So give him a chance and please don't hate him because I never get to use his stupid ass.

And we get a nice little look at what pushed Kendall to where he is now. Yay...?

Warnings: Child abuse.

Read and review, please! I love all of you! (And I swear I'll reply to all reviews this go around because I feel terrible for not knowing who I've already replied to for the last chapter. Boo on Mada.)

* * *

**_~Pathetic_**

It was a Friday morning. Normally, that meant chaos around the breakfast table, but everyone was still fairly subdued from the events of the previous night. It had been pain that had woken Kendall up; which had woken up the rest of the others, considering a shift had sent an elbow into his ribcage. Logan had read over the instructions on the bottle of his medicine while Carlos and James tried to help him change. This time, he'd allowed it, being in his right mind and knowing that they wouldn't be able to see his ribs because he was bound in bandages.

"You can't take this on an empty stomach." Logan announced as James was pulling a t-shirt over Kendall's head, holding up the small, orange pill bottle.

The blond stared at him as his uninjured hand tugged the hem of his shirt over the belted waist of his pants; he really hoped that he was doing a good job of keeping his expression blank, because right then, he wanted to absolutely panic. This was just some plot to make him eat, wasn't it? "Why?"

"If you don't take it with food, it could make you sick." The aspiring doctor tapped the red label that advised it be taken with a small meal.

Kendall squinted at it. It did say that, but what if the hospital had advised that be put on it because they knew he wasn't eating properly? It didn't bother him that he was being so suspicious of everything; with his new lifestyle, it would pay to be suspicious. "So?" he finally asked, completely unconcerned with the effects.

Carlos sighed and helped his friend up off of the bed. "Soooo, we're going to go eat. All of us. And then you can take your medicine." he answered for the smart boy. James and Logan nodded in agreement with his plan.

"But... I'm not hungry..."

All three of his friends stared at him, their expressions showing him that they knew what he'd said was bullshit. His stomach seemed to agree with them, because it decided at that moment to growl loudly in protest of his statement. Looking slightly triumphant, James moved forwards to steer his best friend from the room.

"That settles it, then!" Carlos announced as he and Logan trailed behind.

"Your mom made chocolate chip pancakes for all of us; Katie was already eating downstairs when I went to get your medicine."

At hearing that, Kendall wanted to turn around and retreat right back upstairs. His mother's homemade chocolate chip pancakes had _always _been his favorite. Whenever she made them, he and his friends would always pile a huge stack on their plates, slather it in butter, and then drown it in syrup. Now, the mere idea made his mouth water, but thinking about the amount of calories that would be in such a meal also turned his stomach in a sickening way.

They hit the bottom of the stairs and he could smell it. His stomach rumbled. "Right... I'll... uh... I'll eat one." he mumbled, sitting down at the table in his usual seat.

Katie was in the seat that James usually occupied. She'd been playing one of her video games and occasionally absently sticking a bite of pancake into her mouth when they'd come downstairs, but as soon as her brother was seated, her attention left the game and went to him. Her mother, as she'd been making breakfast, had explained Kendall's situation to her as delicately as she could- that he had lost weight rapidly, and the doctors had been unable to pinpoint a medical reason for it from just blood tests; that they'd attributed it to him not eating when he'd avoided their questions about his diet. Jennifer hadn't been able to tell her why he was doing this when she'd asked, and Katie didn't want to think about it too much. She'd always known that Kendall hated the idea of gaining too much weight, but never before had she thought he'd take such drastic measures. And for what?

"Nope. You'll eat two, or none of us will be satisfied." James insisted, plopping two medium-sized pancakes on the plate in front of his best friend.

Not only did Kendall not feel like arguing, but he also knew that this wasn't an argument he could win. In fact, an argument like that would only make things worse. So he sighed in defeat and nodded. "A-alright." He picked up his fork and, with shaking fingers, carefully cut off a small bite of the two stacked pancakes. As soon as he put the sweet bread in his mouth, he wanted to spit it back out, but he forced himself to chew and swallow.

Carlos pushed the butter and syrup towards him once he and everyone else was finished with it. "Here you go, Kendall."

But the blond just shook his head. "I don't want it."

"What?" Logan frowned slightly.

"We always eat our pancakes like this, though..." James said weakly, gesturing to his own plate.

"This stuff is poison enough without all those added calories and sugar." Kendall spat through clenched teeth. He couldn't stand the looks that he was being given- the shock, the disbelief- and so he looked back to his plate and forced another few bites of breakfast down his throat. It felt almost impossible for him to swallow. Perhaps it was just that he didn't want to. If he ate, then he would gain back all the weight that he'd lost; the thought made his eyes start to sting, and he was glad he was looking down.

"Kenny..." James breathed, reaching up to place a hand on one of his friend's shoulders. But then, something unthinkable happened; Kendall shifted away from him, and turned his face towards the door of the apartment.

"All this _shit _we've been eating for the past few years... I never want any of it again. The thought makes me want to puke." It was mostly the truth; he didn't see much point in lying any longer, but he also couldn't bring myself to divulge everything- especially not all at once. He didn't want any of the junk they'd eaten in the past; but he didn't want anything else, either. The thought of eating _anything _made him want to vomit.

Logan, ever worrying over his friends' physical health, cleared his throat and set his fork down on his plate. "Kendall... You don't have to eat junk food. You can eat healthy stuff... but you _have _to eat. That's something you can't just stop doing. Your body needs food to keep functioning."

Carlos reached over to lay his hand on top of Kendall's, which was clenched around his fork beside his plate, but he was met with the hard wood of the table. The Latino frowned, trying not to let his feelings be hurt by the rejection, and pulled his hand back.

"Stop treating me like a kid! I know all of that!" the blond snapped, resisting the urge to slam the prongs of the fork against his plate in irritation. Did they think he was an idiot? They probably did. After all, he was the only one starving himself.

"Then why are you doing it?" James asked, surprisingly calm. There was too much anger between them; he was tired of fighting and arguing and snapping at one another. He just wanted to know... More than that, he _needed _to know.

"Because not everyone is as fucking perfect as you are, James!" This time, he was unable to stop himself from slamming the fork down, but thankfully, he didn't stab anything or anyone with it; it was resting firmly on the table, trapped underneath the palm of his hand. The cold metal pressed hard into his skin, faintly painful; and as much as he hated to admit it, it was kind of... nice. It made him feel better, eased his mind a little.

James blinked in shock at his friend, opening and closing his mouth a couple of times as he tried to think of what to say. Nothing came readily to mind. "I'm... not..."

"You're always going on about it! And even if you weren't, everyone thinks so. Even more flawless than a cut diamond, right?" He pulled his plate towards himself, picking it up off of the table and setting his fork atop it. "I'm going to eat in our room." he muttered, pushing his chair back and standing up.

It surprised him that Carlos was the one to angrily jump to his feet. "No, you won't!" he cried, slamming his hands down on the table.

All of the anger was shocked right out of Kendall then. "Wh-what?"

"I..." Carlos seemed to take a moment to steady himself before setting his jaw. "I don't trust you. You won't eat if you're not in front of us. I just know you'll find another way to get rid of it." He let out a shaky breath; it was obvious that he was incredibly upset. "Besides... I miss being around you... We all do. We miss our brother."

In that moment, Kendall felt absolutely horrible. Even worse than he felt when he stared in the mirror, or looked down at the scale, or thought about how he looked. Maybe his friends had been neglecting him before, but he wasn't completely innocent, either. He'd been pushing them away, too. Feeling weak at the knees, the blond dropped down in his chair again and set the plate on the table again. "I'm sorry." he said, so softly that he himself could barely hear it.

Maybe he'd spoken louder than he thought, or maybe his friends just... _knew. _Either way, Carlos sat back down again, and everyone seemed to relax a little. Logan and Carlos seemed content enough to return to eating, but James just stared at his pancakes; Kendall started to nibble a little again. His little sister sat at the end of the table, her food forgotten as she stared at her brother; her wide eyes were full of shock, and even a little fear- fear for what was happening to her brother.

It was only a few moments longer before the tall brunet pushed his chair away from the table with a small screech. All eyes went to him in question; even Katie managed to tear her eyes away from her older brother.

"Where are you going?" Logan asked, eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

"Lost my appetite." James muttered, avoiding their gazes as he walked to the front door. It opened before he could do it for himself, and Mrs. Knight stopped before walking in, looking surprised to see one of the boys right in front of her.

"James, dear, where are you going so early?" she asked, stepping in when he moved to the side to allow her room to come inside.

He shrugged. "Dunno." Before she could ask any more questions, he ducked out of the apartment, pulling the door closed behind him.

"What's his problem?" Kendall muttered, stuffing a large bite of pancake into his mouth. The faster he finished, the better; his stomach was already making soft, irritated gurgles, resulting in him feeling nauseous. He supposed it was because he wasn't used to actually eating, and now he was; his body wasn't used to it.

"Probably everything that you've been saying to him lately." Logan replied around the prongs of his fork, pulling his book- it had been left on the table before- closer to himself and flipping it open.

"He's been taking it harder than any of us.." Carlos agreed softly, looking at the door sympathetically. Every time Kendall insinuated that they didn't care anymore or something else equally as bad, James would get a hollow look in his eyes.

"I don't see why."

"You're such an idiot, big brother." Katie snapped, standing up and gesturing to the door. "Do you really pay so little attention? It's so _obvious!" _She shook her head when her brother just gave her a blank look. "Why don't you try talking to him like a normal human being, instead of snapping at him and acting like he's the cause of all this?" She shoved her chair underneath the table. "I'm going to find James and see if he's okay." Sometimes, her brother needed a slap in the face and a push in the right direction. Because she loved him so much, she was the perfect person to do this. She left the apartment, wondering where James could have run off to, and left everyone in wonder.

Nobody said anything after that. The remaining boys finished their breakfasts quickly- Kendall because he didn't want to linger; Carlos and Logan because they had to go to school. Mama Knight had insisted that her son skip that day, due to the events of the previous night. That was fine with him; school was just a hassle, anyways.

For a little while after the apartment had emptied out, Kendall wandered around aimlessly, trying not to think about how many calories had been in his breakfast. At leas the pain medicine was starting to work; this type didn't make him as loony as whatever he'd been given at the hospital. A part of him wished that it would have the same effect; being alone with his thoughts was driving him up the wall.

He grabbed the spare set of keys to the apartment from the hook on the wall near the door and walked out. He knew his mother wouldn't want to walk up the stairs with an armload of laundry, so he avoided the elevator and entered the stair well. It was completely empty, which he was grateful for; there was no one to question him about his bruised face or where he was going.

Not that he could have answered the last question, anyways. It felt like hours that he walked around aimlessly, glad to be burning off the calories from breakfast. But he'd failed to bring along a bottle of water this time, and soon enough, he got thirsty. The nearest place was a small bar; it looked pretty empty- probably not one of the more popular ones, considering it didn't seem like a place where celebrities would hang out, even if it was in Los Angeles- so he walked in.

There were a couple of people seated at a table in the far corner and a man drying glasses behind the counter. Otherwise, it was deserted. This was the first time he'd been in a bar, aside from the times his mother had dragged him along by a hand to pick up his drunk-out-of-his-mind father. Those times were few and far between, seeing as they only happened when he passed out over a table. Needless to say, the place didn't bring back very good memories; adding alcohol to the mix had always made for the worst beatings.

Still, he strode to the bar as confidently as he could and slid onto a stool, leaning against the counter top. The barkeep's frost blue eyes- there was something dark to them- flitted up to him, and the man closed his notebook on a pencil.

"Anything I can get you?" He didn't sound exactly eager to help; then again, he didn't sound much of anything. His voice was as flat as a prairie. Not to mention raspy.

"Just water..."

A blond brow arched into the stranger's messy fringe. But, a few moments later, he was sliding a glass of water in front of the patron. "You're... one of those Big Time Rush boys, aren't you?"

Kendall blinked back to the present, having previously spaced out while staring at all the liquor bottles lining the wall across from him. "Oh... uh, yeah. Kendall Knight." It wasn't uncommon to be recognized. Especially in Los Angeles. He took a sip of the water. "Who are you...?"

"Harmony Anderson." His ponytail slithered over his shoulder when he crossed his arms on the counter and leaned forward on them. "What's got you bothered, Kendall Knight?" he asked, icy eyes searching moss green ones.

The question shocked him. Was he really so transparent? Or was it just because he was at a bar? "N-nothing's wrong." he answered, taking a nervous gulp of his water.

Harmony snorted a laugh through his nose. "Yeah, right. It's all over your face, Cheekbones." He'd never seen someone with cheekbones as prominent as Kendall's; thinking about it, he didn't remember them being this salient in the posters or pictures on the news. "... You look tired."

It was Kendall's turn to snort. "Understatement of the year." He was sleepy. And he was tired of hating himself and of hating everyone else and of being _so empty._ Most importantly, he was tired of being tired. "Just... this life getting to me, I guess."

"Mm?" Harmony gave him a look, urging him to continue if he wanted.

The singer considered it for a moment. He really wanted to talk to someone, but there was no one outside of his family and friends that he could do that with for fear of his confessions being leaked to the press, and he didn't want to talk to anyone he knew- not that he knew why he felt this way. "You'll just sell the info for money." he finally said, bitterly, as he shook his head.

"Please." Those frost blue eyes rolled so hard that it was a miracle they remained in their sockets. "I'd much sooner cut out my own tongue." Paparazzi was the bane of his existence. At one point- not too long ago- he himself had been an aspiring musician, but the death of his parents had forced him into an... unstable position, which was milked by the vultures; now, he'd stepped out of the limelight to run his folks' small bar. "Ignoring our demons won't cause them to disappear. Talking about them weakens them."

Kendall stared at the stranger for a few long, silent moments, pondering once more. He looked sincere enough... Besides. What did he care anymore if the paparazzi found out? What did he care about _anything _anymore? He decided to come back to the second question, later, and for now, he'd continue lying to himself and saying that he didn't care. He took a deep breath. "My family's... babying me."

Harmony frowned, his brows furrowing. "So...?" What was so bad about that?

"They don't trust me to eat on my own... And I can't really blame them. I wouldn't do it if they didn't force me to." He expected a sharp intake of breath. A look of disgust. Laughter. All he got was an even, steady look and a nod that told him to go on. "I'm... pushing my brothers away. Carlos hates when I yell at them, and I do that all the time now. Logan scolds me like a little kid. And James... God, I've been so horrible to him. I take all my anger out on him. All he's been trying to do is help me and show that he cares about me, and I just treat him like garbage." The truth of that made his eyes sting with tears again. "I chased him away from the breakfast table this morning with the things that I said..."

"Did you find him and apologize?"

That twisted the knife in his heart. Slowly, he shook his head. "No. I... I didn't even think about it." he admitted, taking a few huge swallows of water in hopes that it would clear away the sudden dry feeling in his mouth. "I'm the worst friend ever... He must hate me."

Absently, Harmony started to drum his nails against the wood of the counter; Kendall noted that they were painted black. "Of course he doesn't. If he's been helping you, and if he really does care about you, then he knows that you didn't mean anything that you said." With his index nail, he pulled down his bottom lip for a moment, eyes rolling to the ceiling in thought, then let it snap back into place. "And if _you _care for him as much as you seem to, then talk to him when you next see him. No matter how much you want to lash out, you've got to assure him of how much he means to you."

Kendall's cheeks warmed just slightly, and anxiety tightened his chest. "I can't do that." he responded immediately, shaking his head.

The other's eyes bored into him, and he was sure he was being dissected by them. "Why not?"

"Because... I... He's my best friend... and I don't want to lose him... but I... care for him more than as a friend..." It was so awkward to try and explain it out loud. It was the first time he'd admitted it out loud, to anyone besides himself.

Harmony nodded in understanding. "So don't tell him that. Just tell him that you need him. Explain to him that you're not angry at him when you yell at him. Tell him _why _you lash out."

"They'd never understand." Kendall looked down at the hand in his lap, curling his thin, bony fingers and fingering the cuff of his jacket sleeve. "None of them worry about it like I do... I hate myself so much... For the way I am and the way I treat them... They deserve better than me. I'm trying to be better. I'm trying to stop being so fat... and so ugly... and so pathetic...-" He was surprised when fingers forced his chin up.

"Obviously, if they've hung around, they see all that you are. And as far as I can tell, you're none of the things you said. You're just in a really bad place right now." Harmony smiled slightly at him, and opened his mouth to speak again when the sound of a phone ringing interrupted him.

Kendall jumped- even through the pain medicine, that caused his ribs to hurt- and fished his phone- he was using his old model, which had been buried in a drawer when he'd upgraded- out of his pocket with his good hand. It was Logan's number on the screen. He answered, not wanting to worry them any further. "Hello?"

"_Where the hell are you? You were supposed to stay in the apartment, Kendall!_"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I went for a walk. I couldn't take being alone like that." Not with the directions his mind had been taking.

He heard a sigh on the other end, and then, "_Please, just come home. We were worried something had happened, and it would make us feel a lot better to have you here. Besides, Mama Knight is already making dinner._"

Dinner? Kendall pulled the phone from his ear and looked at the time. It was a little past four. Had he really been out that long? "Alright. I'll be home soon. Don't worry."

"_Thank you._" Logan sounded genuinely relieved. Probably because he wasn't being faced with vehement opposition or angry retorts. "_And if you see James, will you please drag him home, too? We haven't seen him all day._"

Kendall's heart jumped into his throat upon hearing that. James still hadn't come back...? Why did he have to be so stupid enough to cause this?! "I-I'll tell him if I see him..."

"_See you when you get here. Bye, Ken._"

"Bye..." Kendall ended the call and slipped the phone back into his pocket. "I've gotta go." He stood up, but his wrist was grabbed. He was glad it was his good one that was being held. "What're you doing?" he asked, nervous at this stranger's actions.

"Well, I figure you look pretty enough under all those bruises." Harmony grinned good-naturedly at him, even though it made Kendall a little self-conscious. "Here's my number." He scribbled a series of numbers up the length of the inside of the other blond's forearm. "Call me if you ever need to talk, okay?" Why he was offering up his help like that, he didn't know; he just thought that... maybe Kendall needed someone like him. A person outside of his normal circle. A person who knew what he was going through; because, from the way the singer had been talking and the way he looked physically underneath all the temporary wounds, he had guessed that the reason for all of this anguish was anorexia. And he was intimately acquainted with that particular monster.

Kendall, at first, was shocked, but then he managed a small smile and nodded, looking at the number on his arm before rolling his jacket sleeve down again. "Thanks, Harmony... I'll do that." He felt lighter than he had in what felt like an eternity as he walked out of the bar. He even put the bartender's number in his old phone, so that he wouldn't lose it.

But by the time he'd arrived back home, that heavy weight was dragging him down again; he hadn't found James on the way, and there was no sign of the brunet in the apartment.

He wanted to throw himself down on the couch, like he normally would have, but he knew that his beaten body wouldn't allow that. So he just sat down calmly on the corner piece of their bright orange couch, the rest f which was taken up by Logan, Carlos, and Katie. His little sister and the Latino were playing video games on the X-Box. It was so weird to see him playing with anyone but James. "Is James still not home...?" he asked, looking over to Logan, who was sprawled across the cushions highlighting important bits in his medical text.

"Nope." The aspiring doctor slipped the cap back on his highlighter, closing his book on it.

"Sh-shouldn't we try to find him, then?" Panic rose in Kendall's chest, threatening to choke him, as he remembered what had happened to him the day before when he'd run off. "Wh-what if something happens to him...?"

"It's okay, Kendall." Logan assured their friend, sitting up and resting a hand on his uninjured shoulder. "He called a few minutes ago. He's fine. He'll be home later."

That calmed him down some, and the blond nodded and gave Logan a small smile. "Alright..." He couldn't wait until James got home. More than anything, he wanted to do just what Harmony had suggested, and to assure the brunet that he had never meant to hurt his feelings.

They had chicken nuggets and French fries for dinner. Kendall ate two of the nuggets and a few of the fries, but then he refused anything else. All of his family tried to convince him to eat a bit more, but the only way that would happen was if they forced it down his throat, so they let it go, happy that he had at least _something _in his stomach.

When he was finished, he watched everyone else eat, jealous that they could and still worried that James hadn't come home yet. Everyone was talking idly. He hated it, because he could tell they were trying to keep things light.

"I'm going to go shower, then go to bed." He got close to making another sarcastic comment- asking if anyone wanted to babysit him for that, too- but he bit his tongue on it, remembering his chat earlier with the bartender.

"Okay, sweetie. You must be exhausted." Jennifer stood up and kissed her son on the forehead. "Do you want to take your pain medicine?"

Kendall shook his head. "No. I'm not hurting right now. I'll be fine." he assured her, before scooting around her and dashing up the stairs. He hated the way that they all looked at him. Like there was something _wrong _with him; like he needed to be _pitied. _

There was nothing wrong with him; he just wanted to be thin. Was that so bad?

His shower routine repeated. He stared at himself in the mirror, squeezing the fat of his stomach and getting nauseous just from looking at his body. The scale read that he'd lost an extra pound; he wondered, briefly, how long that would last with him being forced to eat. When he got under the spray of water, he tried not to look down at himself, but he had to, and that just made him want to cry.

Since he refused to allow anyone's help, he had to replace his own bandages. It was difficult. He was tempted to forget about them, seeing as they were just to stabilize his ribcage so it healed properly, but he worried that would just hurt more, so he did it anyways. He'd always slept in shirts that were too big for him, but now, they were even more so. That was best; it was difficult for people to tell he was so thin. His pants had to be tightened, as they almost slid right off of him.

His bed was freezing. _He _was freezing. He wished that he had some way of warming himself up. Why couldn't James be here to hug him like he had been last night...? The rest of his friends, too. He just wanted them to warm him up and be there for him. Like he hadn't been for them. Kendall buried his face in the pillow, taking a deep, shaky breath and closing his eyes.

He was so exhausted that, even though he hardly ever went straight to sleep anymore, he fell asleep within a few moments

-xXx-

"_Dammit, boy!" _

_Kendall gasped and whimpered as his face was shoved right up against a mirror. His nose hit the reflective surface hard and it really hurt; he was surprised the glass didn't break. "Daddy..." _

"_Shut your damn mouth." _

_His face was pulled back and slammed against the mirror again, but this time, he managed to turn his head so that his cheek hit it instead of his nose. He tried not to make a noise this time, knowing that his dad hated when he did that, but he couldn't help a small one. _

"_Can't you do anything right?" Kent spun his son around so that he could slap him across the face, the back of his hand making a sickening noise against the child's cheek. "Now I'm going to have to clean up that damn mess." He wasn't at all bothered by the tears that welled in his son's eyes as he held his stinging cheek. Instead, he grabbed the blond's wrist and jerked his arm away, holding it up. _

_Kendall let out a wail, trying to twist his body to relieve the pain in his shoulder. The grip on his wrist was so tight that he was sure it would bruise. "Daddy, please! I'm sorry! I won't do it again!" _

"_Sorry doesn't get the beer stain out of the carpet, now does it, boy?" When all he received as an answer was more whimpering as the child tried to get away, he growled and released him, only to close a large hand around the thin throat. "I asked you a question. I expect you to _answer_," he slammed Kendall's head back against the mirror for effect, "when I talk to you." _

"_N-no, it doesn't. B-but I'll clean it up! You don't have to worry about it!" It was obvious from the look on his father's face that the pleading note in his voice went unnoticed. Either that, or ignored. _

"_You're damn right that you'll clean it up. And if there's a single trace of it when you're done, I'll beat the absolute shit out of you. Do you understand me?" _

"_Y-yes, Daddy..." _

"_Stop calling me 'daddy' in that whiny voice of yours, for fuck's sake!" Kent knocked his son's feet out from under him with a swipe of his own foot, kicking him so hard in the stomach that he curled in on himself and started gasping and coughing. _

"_P-please stop... You're hurting me... Don't hurt me... I love you!" _

"_Tch." Kent grabbed his son by the scruff of his neck and hauled him upright again, shoving his face against the mirror. "Look at yourself. Who could love you? A pathetic, whining brat who can't even stick up for himself." He shoved him to the floor again. "You disgusting and fat and hideous. No one will _ever_ love you. Now clean yourself up and come take care of this mess." Without another word or even another glance back, Kent left the bathroom, slamming the door behind himself. _

_Leaving Kendall laying on the cold tile floor, holding his knees to his chest as he collapsed into sobs, the taste of blood in his mouth. _

-xXx-

Kendall woke up in a frightened panic, thrashing about on his bed and trying to fight the sheets off. Convinced that his father was there, ready to beat him again for being just what he'd said- pathetic. It was dark, and he couldn't see anything, which only heightened the terror he felt. He tried to call out for help, but the words just stuck in his throat, blocked by the lump that was forming there.

All he could do was to whimper and let out a small sob, pushing himself against the corner his bed was pressed into. Desperately, he started to beat the back of his head against the wall- hoping to block out the images from the dream, the pain and terror and suffocating depression that he felt taking over his being. "No... Please... Don't do this to me. Not again."

The light switched on and he flinched, slouching down and reaching up to shield his face with his hands, despite that it hurt his shoulder to do so.

"Kenny...?"

It was James' voice. _James. _Kendall peeked from between his fingers, then let out a shaky breath of relief and moved his hands. The room was empty, aside from the two of them. He was fine.

The brunet walked over to his best friend's bed and sat down on the edge of the mattress, reaching over to cup the back of the blond's neck. "You okay, buddy?" he asked softly, stroking the pad of his thumb soothingly against the curve of the other's jaw.

"Y-yeah..." Kendall lied easily, his cheeks flushing a bit more- they were already red after the nightmarish memory- at the contact. "You're still in your street clothes..."

"Just got in." James looked over his friend's face, trying to find any indication of what he'd been dreaming of. "What was the nightmare about?"

Kendall shook his head. "I don't want to talk about it." At least that was true. He gulped, remembering what had happened earlier that day. "I'm really sorry, Jamie... I didn't mean to... to chase you away like that... I know you just want to help. I just..." The tears, which had slowed, welled and started to fall quickly again. "I didn't mean to hurt you... It was the last thing that I wanted. Please, don't hate me..." He already hated himself more than enough for the both of them.

"Oh, Kenny." James sighed softly and shook his head, wrapping his arms around the blond and hugging him gently. "I could never hate you. I just hate the fact that you see yourself as anything less than perfect. You're absolutely wonderful, Kendall. I don't know how you can't see it."

"Because of the way I act! I was so horrible to you... I lashed out because I-"

"Just stop apologizing. You don't need to." James pulled back to smile sweetly at his best friend. "I forgive you, even though there's nothing to forgive." He stood up again, walking over to the dresser on his side of the room. Quickly, he changed into a pair of sweats and a muscle shirt. "Lay back down. I'll sleep with you tonight so you won't have anymore nightmares, okay?"

Kendall opened his mouth to protest, despite knowing that he was craving his friends' presences right then, but he could see the look on James' face. It meant no room for argument. Besides, he's already turned off the light and was sliding under the blankets on the bed next to him. He tried not to blush anymore. "O-okay..." he agreed softly, sliding back down to lie next to his best friend.

"If you ever want to talk about... anything- the nightmares, what you're going through- you know I'm always here for you..." James assured him softly, staring at him intently.

For some reason, that did it for Kendall. The tears were back with a vengeance. Normally, he'd have fought them off, but this time, he didn't even try, and dissolved into small, quiet sobs. He felt arms wrap around him and pull him close to a warm chest, and he just cried against James' chest until he couldn't anymore. He was so exhausted that he fell asleep right there. With James' arms around him, and James' nose nuzzled into his hair. He could swear the other's lips were pressed to the top of his head, too. But maybe that was just because of his position.

And he decided, without a doubt, that was how he _always _wanted to fall asleep- with James.

* * *

A/N: So, what did you guys think? Kenny's so horrible to Jamie, but he doesn't try to be. D:

Anyways. I'll probably start on the next chapter after I do all my schoolwork for today. And I can guarantee I'll be on tumblr blogging it up; I've become a real tumblr girl since my problems have resurfaced. But for now, I have work to do. So.

I'll consider suggestions for the direction of the story, too, if you have any; though I can't guarantee I'll actually use it, because it has to go along with my own direction.

Read, review, and let me know what you think! I love you guys~ -hearts-


	6. Amazing

A/N: Look. You get another chapter. While I should be up and getting ready to go to my best friend's in less than twenty minutes. (I have like... two or three hours' worth of stuff left to do. Woo!)

Anyways. This story is going in exactly the direction that I wanted it to. I actually discussed the idea implemented in this chapter weeeeeeeeeks ago with one of my best friends. So this is actually thought through.

Deal with it.

And don't hate me or anyone else.

Warnings: Boylove. And eating disorders. And language. And stuff. Yay.

Read and review, lovelies~ (I REPLIED TO ALL REVIEWS THIS GO AROUND. SUCCESS.)

* * *

_**~Amazing**_

This internal battle was the second most worst thing he had ever experienced in his life. There was always the part of him that _wanted _to eat, but that was easily drowned out by the part that didn't want to eat at all. And then another part wondered _why _he was doing this; was it really that he didn't want to be fat, or did he just want attention?

It was so confusing, and it just made him feel even worse than he already did.

Two weeks had passed since he'd gotten beaten up in the streets. That was two weeks of being forced to eat against his will. Of nightmares and sobbing over the scale and silently crying himself to sleep at night. Kendall still wasn't eating much, but he was eating enough to satisfy his family. It was killing him on the inside. Slowly, but surely.

Every time that food passed his lips, he wanted to spit it right back out. And every time that he _didn't _spit it out, he wished that he could just die. Because of that, he'd wound up taking extreme measures. Doing things he'd never thought that he was capable of doing: Taking laxatives so that he wouldn't gain any weight from the food.

They were sprawled across the couches in the studio, eating lunch. It was the first time they'd been back to work since he'd gotten hurt, and even then, it was only because Kendall had absolutely insisted that he was ready and wanted to. It would occupy his mind so that he couldn't think about food and weight and how much he hated himself and what if this was all just an idea in his head.

Kendall nibbled on the edge of his sandwich; it was almost gone, and he could feel it filling up his stomach. It made him nauseous, but he forced himself to finish the lunch. Mostly because James, Carlos, and Logan were watching him with concerned eyes. Just like they always did now. Logan was the only one who tried to hide it at all. He watched from over the top of his book. It drove him absolutely insane.

"I'm going to the bathroom." he announced, crumpling the ziplock bag in his hand as he stood up. He could tell that James was about to offer to come with him, so he shook his head. "I can pee by myself, guys." He tossed the bag in the garbage as he walked back to the bathroom. To be honest, he didn't really have to go; he just felt so full and overwhelmed. Maybe a few minutes to think by himself would help.

The bathroom was empty. It was so silent that he could hear his own footsteps echo back to him as he walked the floor to the counter where the sinks were. Slipping up onto the cold counter, he pressed his back to the wall and stared in front of him, trying to ignore the mirror to his side. A part of him knew that the mirror was just a damn liar. Logan had been assuring him of that lately; and James had been telling him, every night before he went to shower and again before he went to bed, that there was absolutely nothing wrong with him and that he looked perfect before he'd even started all of this; Carlos was forever trying to engage him in things to occupy his mind- song writing and playing video games and whatever else he could think of.

He was incredibly grateful, but they couldn't help him through everything. They didn't understand all that he was going through, and they never would no matter how much they tried. All of his friends were just so comfortable and secure. James, especially, seeing as how he loved to flaunt it. Not that Kendall blamed him for doing so; he was gorgeous, and there was no use denying that.

But he needed someone who understood. Someone he could talk to and not feel judged by. He'd called Harmony a few times since he'd met him at the bar. Before he swallowed laxatives- he'd only done it a couple of times. After he stepped on the scale and saw his weight. When he woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. (He still didn't want to bother James with that. After all, as a child, he'd worked so hard to keep it hidden from his best friends. No way he was putting all that to waste over a few lousy dreams.) When he didn't think that he could take another day of being forced to eat.

Harmony helped, because Harmony understood. Even if he acted like an asshole, Kendall knew that he wasn't. They were the same: Lashing out because they were hurt.

It was nice to have someone who understood.

Kendall looked absently to his side, at the mirror. As usual, he hated what looked back at him. His stomach churned. The sandwich probably wasn't digested yet... Quietly, he pushed himself off of the counter and walked back over to the door, opening it slowly and poking his head out. A quick peek down the hall either way showed that no one else was around. That was a relief, but as a precautionary measure, he locked the bathroom door when he closed it again, twisting the thick metal around.

What he was about to do made him weak, pathetic, disgusting; it meant he'd hate himself more. But at least it also made him thinner. If that was the case, then he could deal with it.

Kendall had always hated vomiting, but he was so desperate, and there were no laxatives around. Briefly, as he knelt down in front of the toilet in the first stall, he thought that he should start carrying some of those around with him. Just for instances like these.

His middle finger was the longest and would be the easiest to reach, so he went with that one as opposed to the index finger- the one he thought most people used. It brushed along the sides of his throat, and he moved his hand as he gagged. It made his eyes water, but that was about it. Frustrated, he tried again. The tip of his finger slid against the back of his throat, and this time, he didn't move it until he got the expected response.

His back arched as he gagged and retched. It was absolutely disgusting. It tasted awful and it burned. Not to mention that it wasn't exactly pleasing to look at.

Despite this, he did it once more, just for good measure, so that he was positive it was all gone, before he reached up and flushed the toilet. He was sweating, shaking, and he hated the taste in his mouth.

But all in all, he felt better. His stomach was empty again and he didn't have to worry about unnecessary calories. After giving himself a moment to recover, he stood up in spite of his shaky knees, flushed once more, then went to the sink to wash his hands and rinse out his mouth a few times, wipe off his face with a paper towel. As he left the bathroom, he put a stick of gum in between his teeth. Now, he wished that he carried around body spray all the time like James did. Just in case.

"What took you so long?" Carlos asked as he stepped back into the recording booth, a worried glint to his eye.

"We were just about to come check on you." Logan added. The look in his eye was more suspicious than worried.

Kendall smiled reassuringly at his friends, pushing the gum to the inside of his cheek with the tip of his tongue. "I'm fine, guys. I just got a call while I was walking back and took it. No big deal." When had it become so easy to lie straight to their faces...? More importantly, when had it become _painless_ to do so?

"Oh, okay~" the Latino accepted immediately, smiling at their leader. He really thought that Kendall was getting better; after all, he was eating again, and they didn't even have to push him to come down for a meal.

Logan pursed his lips for a moment, watching him intently, but then nodded, seeming to accept it.

"Who was it?" James asked, crossing his arms over his chest. It was obvious from his tone and the look on his face that he was the only one who didn't believe the story. At least, the only one who didn't _openly _believe him; Logan secretly still had his creeping suspicions.

"Harmony. A guy I met a few weeks ago." He knew for a fact that, if prompted, the bartender would vouch for him. He smiled smugly when James pursed his lips, as well.

"Fine."

"What are all you dogs standing around for?!" Gustavo shouted, having just come back from his own lunch break. Kelly was behind him, clipboard clutched to her chest with one hand as she tried to calm him down with the other. "You wanted to be back, so get in the studio! We need to work on your harmonies! You're always terrible after a long break!"

"Good to be back." Kendall muttered, leading the way into the recording booth.

"That's an extra hour!" Gustavo growled, flopping down into his chair.

"Gustavo, please. Try to be a little more patient. At least today." Kelly pleaded quietly, taking her place behind him. She was worried about Kendall, and she didn't want to push any of them too hard. Dance rehearsals were being skipped for the next couple of weeks, until they got the okay from the doctor, but even singing too much could wear them out. Especially the blond; he was looking much thinner and paler- sicker- lately. She knew that Gustavo noticed, but was trying to act like he didn't. He didn't want a repeat, after all, of another promising band a few years back that had fallen apart.

"Yeah, yeah." he waved her off, before pressing the intercom button and addressing the boys directly. "One hour harmonies. Do every scale and arpeggio. If you run out of both, repeat them until every one is perfect."

Needless to say, all of the teens were shocked that he'd gone back on his threat of an extra hour. They scrambled to line up at their individual microphones, eager not to anger him into rethinking that.

By the end of it, even an hour seemed way too long. Logan's voice kept cracking because his throat was so dry. Carlos looked like he was ready to give up on everything but going home to bed. James was glaring at Gustavo through the glass, seemingly trying to murder him with his eyes; if looks could kill... And Kendall _had _given up; about halfway through, he'd sprawled out on the floor and sang from there, despite being yelled at by Gustavo and pleaded with by his friends.

When he finally did stand up, his head swam and he swayed on the spot. Strong hand caught him, and more pressed against his back. When the darkness in his vision had seeped away, he could see Logan and James on either side of him; he guessed Carlos was supporting him to make sure he didn't fall backwards.

"Are you okay?" The Latino's voice came from directly behind him.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just stood up too fast." He gently wriggled away from his friends. "Don't worry so much." he teased them, smiling. It was so odd to feel... happy. Kendall knew the feeling wouldn't last long. Soon, a thought of food would flit into his head, and then he'd just have to pretend again.

Who knew he was such a good actor?

"Give us a reason not to." James countered, then bit the inside of his cheek when the blond's smile disappeared. Why did he say that. "I'm sorry. I di-"

"It's fine. You're right." This time, his smile was weaker as he raised a hand to wave them off. He turned his back before they could see the hurt in his eyes, pulling his phone- he'd gotten a new one not too long ago- and unlocking it. He'd gotten a text while they were doing their harmonies, but he thought that he'd already pissed Gustavo off enough for that day and had let it go. It was Harmony, responding to a message he'd sent earlier about having to eat lunch.

_Don't push yourself. Eat something, but only what you can. Little by little is the only way to recover. _

For a moment, Kendall considered his reply. If it had been anyone else, he'd have lied, but there was no reason to here. Quickly, he typed in a response and sent it: _I made myself throw it up. I just couldn't do it._

In the past, they'd mostly drank fruit water in the studio; in fact, that was really all that had been kept around for the longest time. But now there was plain water, per Kendall's request. The blond plopped down on the fluff black couch after grabbing one of the bottles of purified water and took a sip, tilting his head back. There was so much chatter around him: Kelly and Gustavo were arguing about something or another, Logan and James were talking in whispers- he couldn't tell what they were saying, but he assumed that it was about him, else they wouldn't have been trying to hide it. Carlos was the only one not talking; he was coming up with yet another of his famous, daredevil plans- it was obvious from the look on his face.

"Alright!" Gustavo announced after a short break. "Back in the studio. Run Paralyzed, Confetti Falling, Halfway There, Nothing Even Matters, and Invisible- in that order. I want to ease you back into studio life before I give you your new single." He held up four sets of sheet music, each of their names on one of the sets.

As was per usual, Kendall couldn't help but to get excited at the prospect of a new song. Even despite what this career- with the help of his father- had pushed him to, he really did love singing, and to have a new song was incredibly pleasing. It gave him something to be happy about, at least.

"Then into the studio we go!" Kendall hopped up off of the couch. The quick action caused him to become light-headed and his vision to darken. He tried not to let it show, walking as normally as he could.

No one seemed to notice.

There was minimal yelling, despite their few mistakes- notes that felt flat, harmonies that went awry, voices that cracked or wavered in the wrong places. Not to mention the one time that Carlos and James turned a play fight into an actual fight. The most yelling came from that, seeing as Logan and Gustavo were screaming at the two to stop, and James and Carlos were carrying on as well. Kendall was honestly too exhausted to get into the fray, so he stood on the sidelines and watched, instead; for most of the time, anyways.

When it had gone on too long, he'd cleared his throat. "Guys!" It was the strongest and most authoritative he'd sounded in months, probably. "What are you even fighting about, really? Get up and put this behind you." He grabbed each of their collars and tugged to get them off of each other. Thankfully, he didn't have to pull too hard- not that he'd have been able to, considering the lack of strength in either of his arms- because his two friends gave in easily and climbed to their feet.

"You're right, Kendall..." Carlos murmured, looking down at the floor in shame.

"Our group is facing enough right now, as is." James didn't even look at Kendall when he said it, but it was kind of obvious from the tone of voice he was using what he meant. And there wasn't any real harm meant by it; just stating a fact.

Still, the blond bristled, and was just opening his mouth to retort when a new voice joined the fray.

"God _damn. _This place is not what I remember it." The smell of cigarette smoke accompanied the voice.

Kendall instantly knew who it was; he poked his head out of the open door to the recording booth.

"There is way too much chaos here for it to be under Gustavo Rocque." Harmony let his hand fall down to his side and swing, a burning cigarette held comfortably between his index and middle fingers.

Gustavo's face turned even redder. "What have I told you about smoking in _my studio?!" _he screamed, absolutely furious.

"That I was not to smoke anywhere near your studio." Harmony took another drag from the cigarette and blew the smoke from his nostrils, grinning. "But that was when I worked for you, wasn't it?"

"What are you doing here?!" Now the producer was even more furious.

The blond held out a hand, as if offering it to someone to take, in Kendall's direction. "I've come to steal away your _star~" _

All eyes went to Kendall. He blushed slightly, completely uncharacteristic; then again, most of his actions lately were.

"I... thought you were working today."

"Foxy took over shop for me while I polished up my armor and came to save certain damsel." He gave a crooked grin. "So hike up your skirt and c'mon."

Kendall looked back at his friends. They were staring at the bartender in shock. Most likely wondering where he'd come from and how their best friend had gotten mixed up with someone like him. "Oh, stop with the fairy tales." He laughed- slightly nervously- as he walked over.

"I swear, your ass will be mine if-"

"Gustavo!" Harmony put on a look of shock, covering his mouth with one hand. "I'm not that kind of girl!" He snickered and, taking another drag, grabbed the other blond's hand. "I'll have him back before midnight. We're going for a ride, _Kendall~" _

He said the name like a song, and that made the fine hairs on the back of James' neck bristle with jealousy. His jaw clenched and worked. "Kendall!"

"I'll be back later, Jamie! Don't wait up!" the blond called as he hurried off with his new friend.

"Tch." The brunet turned back into the studio, crossing his arms over his chest. He was pissed off. Why couldn't Kendall have stayed with _him? _Was he not enough of a knight in shining armor? "That guy looks like a loser."

"I can't believe you _dogs _let him get mixed up with a guy like _that!" _Gustavo cried, outraged.

Carlos blinked at their producer in confusion. "What do you mean...? He doesn't seem so bad..."

Logan piped up with, "Yeah. I mean, he's a little rough around the edges, but Kendall seems to think he's pretty cool..."

"Doesn't seem so bad?! He's one of the _worst _bad boys to _ever _pass through Rocque Records! He was nothing but a troublemaker. Even worse than you dogs." Gustavo threw the stack of papers that was their new song down on the control booth. "He refused direction. He did whatever he wanted."

"The kid was going through a hard time, Gustavo. You're being too harsh on him." Kelly scolded, trapping her phone between her body and the clipboard she always carried. She turned to the boys, who were staring questioningly at them. "We only had enough time with him to record a small CD before he... left. Gustavo's just over-exaggerating. I'm sure that Kendall is perfectly fine with him."

"I'm really confused..." Carlos mumbled, frowning as his brows furrowed.

"Yeah, what do you mean by telling us all of this?" Logan questioned, seeing as they were getting told two different things.

"Is Kendall _actually _okay with this guy?" James was suddenly worried that their best friend was in some kind of danger.

Kelly put her hand over Gustavo's mouth so that he couldn't jump in. "He's perfectly fine. Harmony would never hurt anyone."

"So then why-?" James started to ask, but was cut off by a gesture from Kelly.

"Personally, I think Harmony might be good for him. When he was working for us... he survived off of cigarettes, water, and the occasional apple." The remaining Big Time Rush boys exchanged looks and she rolled her eyes. "Oh, please. Don't think I haven't noticed Kendall's getting thinner." Especially since she'd already witnessed it happening once. "He left because his mother wanted him to go through a program to help him. And he wanted her to see him recover before she died. Maybe he can help Kendall through what he's struggling with."

"Yeah. If he doesn't drive the dog insane first." Gustavo muttered. He'd certainly had enough of of Harmony trashing the building; the bartender was worse than Kendall had been when trying to convince Griffin he was enough of a bad boy for Big Time Rush.

"Stop that." Kelly scolded, walking to the cabinets in the back of the room and rifling through them. "You know you liked him." She pulled out a few papers and a CD case, distributing them between James, Logan, and Carlos. "This was theirs. Promo shots, a poster, their only CD. Harmony wrote all the songs. You can keep those, if you want. Maybe it'll help you see him better."

"Thanks, Kelly." Logan told her sincerely while looking through his stack of papers.

"He does look pretty thin..." James conceded, staring at the CD in his hands. The guy who had left with Kendall was kneeling at the front of the shot, his other two band mates behind him. His legs were sticks; his fingers were bones; the visible arm- the one draped around the neck of the guitar at his side- were twigs; his cheeks were hollows. "He looks like Kendall." He shook his head, then pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I guess he just needs someone besides us..." Carlos sounded saddened by the idea.

"Well then. Since of you boys has gone completely A.W.O.L, I guess you boys can go home until tomorrow. Take the new song. Give Kendall his copy." Gustavo handed out the sheet music, giving James the blond's copy, as well.

-xXx-

Kendall let his legs dangle over the edge of the roof of the Palm Woods, staring out over the bustling city that was Los Angeles. His beloved guitar was resting on his thighs, his fingers hovering over the strings without ever touching them. He had come up to the roof in order to work on a song, hoping that the insight of another songwriter could help him where he was stuck. But they hadn't really done anything aside from sitting and staring, occasionally playing a chord.

"I think you should tell him."

The slightly-raspy voice from his side drew his attention there, and he arched a brow at Harmony. "Tell him that I'm making myself puke? No way."

Harmony shrugged, strumming a few chords on his old, beat-up guitar. He pushed himself away from the edge of the roof some, so that he could lie back and stare up at the sky as the light faded. "Why not?"

"Do you know what he'd think? He'd think I was pathetic." He sighed softly and let his shoulders slump. "I couldn't handle it if he thought so low of me."

"He would never. Do you ever even look at him?" The bartender let his head fall to the side, and laughed softly when Kendall fixed him with a look of pure confusion. "He thinks the world of you, Blondie. He looks at you like you're... I dunno. A god or something. He thinks you're amazing. And nothing could ever change that."

"I want to tell him... The idea just... terrifies me."

"I know." Harmony sighed softly and began to really strum his guitar this time. "It's always difficult. But they'll find out eventually; they always do. It's better if they hear it directly from you."

Kendall stared at him for a few minutes, trying to think of what to say. But he couldn't really come up with anything, because he knew just how right the other was. "... You wanna stay for dinner? It's nice to have someone I can actually talk to."

Harmony grinned. "Sure. It'll be nice to have something other than overcooked ramen." He really needed to do some grocery shopping soon. He was running low on... everything.

Kendall laughed and shook his head. "Then let's go down and see what Mom's cooking, huh?" he asked, pushing back from the edge of the roof and standing up. He settled his guitar on his back and picked up his songbook.

"Sounds good. I'm assuming everyone already knows about me?" Harmony pushed his ponytail back over his shoulder as he stood up.

"Of course. I try not to lie to them about what I don't have to." He lead the way downstairs to his apartment. "So. They ask me who I'm texting or who I'm talking to on the phone. I tell them. You're basically the only person I talk to on the phone anymore. My family watches me like a hawk now. I almost always have someone with me, except when I'm in the bathroom or can sneak away."

"Like now?"

"Like now." Kendall agreed, laughing quietly as he opened the door to apartment 2J and walked inside. Harmony followed him, but they both paused when they noticed Mama Knight, James, Logan, and Carlos staring at him. There were stacks of papers and a CD piled on the bar in the kitchen, and he wondered vaguely what they were.

His mother smiled weakly, drying her hands on a dish towel. "You must be...-"

"Harmony, ma'am." Now that his mother was gone, he figured that he should at least use the manners she worked so hard to teach him.

"Harmony, what a nice name." She was really trying to be nice, even though she was still fairly wary of her son's new friend. After all, she knew that he worked a bar, the boys had told her he was a 'bad boy,' and he brought the smell of cigarette smoke with him. But she always did her best to be accepting and open-minded.

"My mom was a singer and a hippie. She didn't give Dad much say in the matter of my name. So I got a chick's name and a lot of bruises at school." He grinned, leaning against one of the counters. His eyes landed on the CD and his grin fell. "Where'd you get those?" he asked, resisting the urge to push all of it in the trash.

"Oh." James looked between stack and the bartender. If he'd known the guy was going to be here, then he'd have put them away.

Oblivious to the way this was affecting Harmony, Carlos replied, "Kelly gave them to us. She thought you were really good."

"I was shit."

Mama Knight almost dropped the knife she'd picked up at hearing that, but she knew that she couldn't scold Harmony for what he'd said; he wasn't one of her boys, and quite honestly, he was a grown man that could say whatever he wanted.

Harmony's upper lip curled slightly as he slammed a hand down over the CD case- so that he didn't have to see it, more than anything, but also to make a point. "My friends made this band. It was a miracle to get me in the studio. I was too busy in the bathroom with my fingers down my throat to care whether we got something recorded or not. These songs were built on my hatred of myself." He leaned forward, tilting his head slightly. "Do you know what it's like to hate yourself? To hate yourself so much that you just want to kill yourself?"

Carlos whimpered, having to fight off the urge to turn tail at the look on the bartender's face as he shook his head.

"N-no." Logan stammered, turning his nose up to show that he was standing his ground.

"Of course not! Who do you think you are?" James growled, putting his hands on the counter top to balance himself as he leaned forward, as well.

Harmony's expression softened a little and he stepped back. "Good. If someone hates themselves... you should talk to them about it. And don't push them into something until you do. Until they have given their thoughts to you _completely_, you've no right to force them to do something. Because you never know what will make you leave. And if they give themselves to you, and you leave after forcing them to do something... they'll hate themselves even more." He turned around to Kendall; looking at pictures of himself from the past was triggering, and he'd suddenly lost all desire for food. "Let's go up to your room. I can help you with that song, Kendall."

Again, he said Kendall's name like a song, and it made James green with envy. Especially when Kendall smiled in response and nodded. As soon as the two blonds had walked upstairs, he huffed loudly and shoved his chair out of the way so that he could go and curl up in his spot on the couch, crossing his arms over his chest. "I don't like him."

"He does have a point, though..." Logan admitted softly, biting his lip and following their taller friend.

"What?" James snapped, not willing to admit that it was _true_.

"What's his point...?" Carlos asked quietly, a small frown tugging at his lips. He shuffled over to the other two and sat down on the couch as well.

Logan followed suit and lowered his voice, as well. "Have we ever... _really _asked Kendall what's going through his head that makes him do this...? We've asked, but have we _asked_? And... we've said that we'd always be there for him. But when this started, we weren't. We may be stuck to him like glue now, but that doesn't matter. He probably doesn't think he can trust us because of that... We don't even _know _him anymore. And he doesn't believe a word that comes out of our mouths..." It tore his heart right out of his chest to actually say that.

They were brothers, and yet there was no trust between them.

"How could we let this happen...?" Carlos' voice held a hollow, hopeless note. He didn't expect an answer to his question, and he didn't get one.

"We have to earn his trust back... I _can't _live with myself knowing that he... he feels that way..." They all hated that it had come down to this, but James looked like the mere knowledge was literally killing him.

-xXx-

"You shouldn't have said that all that." Kendall mumbled, sprawled across his bed and staring at the opposite wall- he was slumped down against the wall, only half-lying down- with his guitar resting on his stomach. The songbook he'd carried upstairs with them was laying between their bodies, papers falling out and scattered across the rumbled blankets. "They'll start putting stuff together..."

"Don't worry, Kendall." Harmony reached over to pick up the notebook, and held it in front of his face so that he could look over what had already been written. "They won't figure out what's going on with you by hearing what went on with me. But they might see how you feel."

Kendall huffed. "It won't matter. It'll go on as the same."

"You don't know that. They care about you." Harmony leaned over to rest his head on the other's shoulder, sighing softly. "You're wonderful. You can't see that, but they can. I can tell that they can."

"Everyone tells me that I'm great or wonderful or whatever." Kendall turned his head to look down at the other and found icy blue eyes looking up at him in return. "But if I'm all of that, then why do I always feel so crappy and worthless?"

"Because you're over-critical of yourself. Because everyone has high expectations of you. Maybe because... someone _made _you feel that way." He wet his lips. "You can't see yourself as you are- how everyone else sees you."

A small smile tugged at Kendall's lips. "You're pretty great, too, you know..."

"I'm an ass." he murmured, rolling his eyes playfully.

"Shut up. You're not." Kendall mustered up all of his courage. "You're fantastic." There was no way he was getting James, and Harmony had proved himself sweet and helpful and amazing in just two weeks. Leaning forward, he pressed his lips against Harmony's for a small kiss, his heart beating out of his chest.

Harmony bit his lip in an attempt to hide a small smile. "See? Wonderful."

Kendall laughed, relief flooding him. "Yeah, sure. Let's just work on this song. For real this time."

* * *

A/N: Srsly. Don't hate me for this. I said that Harmony has a purpose, and he does. He actually has multiple purposes. And you're going to love me for his purposes. So just hang tight and watch. This is a bumpy road, for more than one reason.

Now. I have to go do stuff.

Read and review~ -hearts-


	7. Hate

A/N: ... I took forever again. I know. BUT AT LEAST YOU GOT SOMETHING. It's more difficult for me to write this when I'm relatively happy. So sometimes it takes a little while longer. And I apologize for that.

You're only getting this now because I couldn't sleep and I have to be up for a doctor's appointment now, anyways. :P

Nah, I'm kidding. It's 'cause I love ya.

WHICH IS WHY YOU SHOULDN'T HATE ME AFTER YOU READ THIS~!

Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed and favorited/followed. I love you guys!

Read and review, please~!

* * *

**_~Hate_**

Despite their new-found determination to find out just exactly what Kendall was thinking and feeling that led him to starving himself, it was becoming more and more difficult to actually have a word with the blond. He was so difficult to pin down. All of his friends and family had wanted him close, so that they could make sure he wasn't starving himself still. But it was obvious that the last place he wanted to be was home.

Unless, of course, _Harmony _was there.

That really set James' teeth on edge. If he was home when they were there, then he'd either storm down to the pool, or he'd stalk around the whole apartment making everyone uncomfortable. Logan and Carlos were worried about him. They honestly had no idea why he seemed to hate Kendall's new friend so much.

Katie found the situation kind of funny, to be honest. Hardly ever had she seen James so _jealous_. Not to mention the fact that her brother was still completely oblivious to the brunet's feelings and would give him confused looks when he stomped around.

The worst, by far, was when Harmony actually stayed the night. The first couple of times- he'd stayed over a _lot_ in the past week; practically every single night- James had lumped in with Logan and Carlos, just to avoid being in the same room, but he'd missed his bed. To be honest, he wasn't sure that his bed was worth it when he had to see the two blonds cuddled up underneath the same blankets.

It pissed James off, but it just confused the hell out of Kendall. Carlos and Logan tried to stay out of it. The one time Carlos had questioned their brunet friend on his mood lately, he'd gotten snapped at. After that, Logan had tried to explain it off for the both of them, but it wasn't particularly satisfying.

As for now, James had retreated to the pool, dragging Carlos off with him. Logan was on a date with Camille- their relationship was officially on again, and bets had started circling the Palm Woods as to how long it would last this time. Katie had dragged her mother out so that she could buy the latest game craze.

The apartment was empty, save for Kendall and Harmony, who were holed up in the corner part of the couch. Kendall hadn't bothered to tell his family yet. He'd always known that he was into males as well as females, but it had simply never come up in conversation, so he'd never come out. It wasn't that he was afraid to do it; he was positive that his family would be fine with it.

Of course, he was sure that his nerves would get the best of him when it actually came down to it.

Something poked his lips and he blinked in surprise. "Hm?" He realized that it was just Harmony, urging him to eat another spoonful of yogurt. Since he'd agreed, he opened his mouth to oblige, allowing himself to be fed.

"You're a million miles away, Kendall." No matter how many times he said the name, it always sounded like he was singing the most beautiful song in the world; it never sounded like that when he said anyone else's name.

It made the blond smile. "Yeah... I'm sorry. I was just thinking about my family."

"What about them?"

"Well... Ya know. How they'll react when they figure out about us."

"I'm pretty sure James will try to kill me." Harmony hummed, leaning his head over on the other's shoulder and staring at the television. They were mostly channel-flipping, seeing as they hadn't been able to actually find anything to watch; he'd promised that he'd bring one of his favorite movies the next time he came over. He wouldn't be able to stay that night; the night shift at the bar was calling his name.

"What do you mean...?" Kendall had noticed that James had been in a bad mood lately, but he hadn't known what to attribute it to. He had assumed that it was either irritation over he himself not wanting to open up to them or being consistently absent from his friends' lives, or perhaps something more mundane- such as girl troubles. He'd have offered to help with the latter, but he wasn't sure if that was even the problem. Besides, he wasn't sure he could stomach hearing about James with some girl, despite his own current relationship status.

Harmony snorted and tilted his head to look up at the other. "You're kidding, right?" One of his thin, blond brows arched up into his fringe.

"No..." A frown tugged at his lips. What could he possibly be missing that someone who barely _knew _James was picking up on?

"He is _so _jealous of all the time you're spending with me." Of course, he'd yet to figure out if the jealousy stemmed from the fact that his best friend was constantly being stolen away, or if it was something else- such as deeper feelings for Kendall. The bartender had noticed a certain way that James looked at Kendall. But then again, he _was_ fairly clueless on those types of things.

Kendall stared at the images moving on the television screen while he thought about that, pursing his lips as he did so. Finally, he just shook his head. "Nah. He's probably just upset over some girl." he insisted, mostly to reinforce his previous thoughts on the matter.

"Whatever you say~" Harmony scraped the sides of the yogurt cup to get the last of it, then prodded the spoon against the other's lips. He was pleased when the blond obliged, then he himself leaned forward to place the empty cup on the coffee table; he'd take it to the garbage when he next got up. "So. When will you tell them?"

"I'm not sure... I'm not exactly keeping it from them... I just don't know when or how to actually say... you know." Kendall shrugged, turning his head when a hand prompted him to do so.

"Just don't beat around the bush when you actually do it, alright? That'll just make it more difficult on you. Trust me." Harmony stroked the side of his thumb across the other's prominent cheekbone, smiling slightly at him. "After all. Liking someone of the same sex is nothing to be ashamed of." He kissed the other's cheek. "Your preference doesn't change who you are as a person. And you're one of the best people I know. You're kind. You'd do anything for those that you love. You've been their rock for so long. It's time someone be yours."

"I don't see why you're always such an ass to everyone."

"Everyone but you~"

A small smile tugged at Kendall's lips. "Yes. Everyone but me." Reaching up, he placed a gentle hand against the side of the failed musician's neck. "Help me burn off those calories, hm?" he suggested, weary of serious conversation and craving more intimate interaction. The hand on the other's neck pulled him down carefully into a kiss, giving him plenty of time to pull away if he wanted.

Thankfully, he didn't.

That was the thing about Harmony; he never talked too much. He always knew when it was time for him to shut up.

And he was a pretty amazing kisser. Even better than Jo had been.

Kendall didn't mind when Harmony's hair fell around their faces like a curtain, though it had always annoyed him when it had happened with one of his past girlfriends. Nor did he mind when their teeth scraped together; it sent a shiver up his spine, but not a chill as he would have expected. The overwhelming taste of cigarettes on the other's tongue and in the smallest of crevices in his mouth didn't bother him, either. He could feel the chipped part of the other blond's right canine scrape against the flat of his own tongue.

They kissed for a solid few minutes- everything was too hazy to give exacts,- with Kendall's tongue practically halfway down his partner's throat, and Harmony's thighs hugging the other's hips.

Harmony was the first to break away, soft pants of breath puffing from behind bruised and swollen lips and cheeks flushed a bloody red. "Damn smoker's lungs." he muttered, trying to catch his breath.

"Hm. My poor little Harmony. Can't keep up?" Kendall teased lightly, seemingly unbothered that the kiss had been broken prematurely- at least, he considered it as such. "That's alright. It doesn't discourage me at all." Some time during their kissing, his hands had traveled down to the other blond's thin hips; he gripped them tighter and pulled him closer. His throat was bitter nicotine, sharp salt, and sweet _Harmony_. The skin pulled taut as his partner tossed his head carelessly back, gasping openly at the tongue and teeth.

The door opening, on the other hand, was a sour annoyance. Though, at first, Kendall barely noticed it. It was just a soft _clack_ when it opened, as the hinges didn't squeak, and no one that had entered said a solitary word. Harmony did notice, though, and when it was obvious that his boyfriend wasn't going to stop the deliciously vicious assault on his neck, he gently pressed his hands against the singer's shoulders; he didn't want it to seem like a rejection- because that was certainly the last thing on his mind- but he also knew that James and Carlos were both gaping at them from the wide-open doorway.

"Kendall, dear." he hummed, in that same sing-song voice reserved specifically for the other blond's name. "We have an audience."

"Huuu~h?" Kendall asked, his mind still a haze, as the other slid further back on his lap. There was no longer added pressure against his too-tight jeans; the zipper was uncomfortable enough, as it was.

Playfully, Harmony tapped the tip of the other's nose with the end of his index finger, then jabbed his thumb towards the two at the door. Personally, he wasn't particularly bothered or embarrassed at having been caught, but he was unsure of how the singer would react. Or, for that matter, how the other two boy band members would, as soon as they regained their senses.

Mossy green eyes- still cloudy from their previous actions- slid away from the frost blue ones, to where he'd been directed. He visibly froze and stiffened- at least, most of him did- as he stared back at two of his best friends.

A few minutes of awkward silence passed.

"Uhm..." Carlos was, surprisingly, the first to speak. The gaping look of shock had been replaced by a blushing expression of embarrassment. "Is there... something you wanted to tell us, Kendall...?" he asked, fidgeting his fingers uncomfortably.

"I... I- uh..." Panicking, Kendall looked to Harmony for help; the older male simply nodded, encouraging him to come out with the truth. A hand slid into his own, squeezing an assurance. That was enough for him, along with a little extra courage-mustering and a hard swallow, as if that would free him of the nerves. Then he looked back to his friends, still holding tightly to Harmony's hand. "I... I like guys?" Unfortunately, it still came out as a question.

"But... Jo...?" Carlos inquired, looking perplexed.

"And girls. Gender... doesn't really matter to me..." This was so far from how he'd planned it. Well... he hadn't planned it in the first place. But it was completely opposite of what he'd been hoping it would be. In his mind, his family and friends would only find out when _he _was ready; not when all of them were completely unprepared and it was just a horrible accident.

Perhaps the couch hadn't been the best place to make out.

Apartment 2J, for that matter, was probably a bad idea, all around. Harmony's house or the roof of the Palm Woods would have been better.

His heart was about to beat out of his chest. No one was saying anything. He just wished that someone would say _something._ Anything, so that he would know.

Finally, Carlos smiled, and like an innocent child who hadn't been taught hate, said simply, "Oh. Okay." There was a basket of dirty clothes on the table that needed to be taken down to the laundry; Mama Knight had tried earlier, but all of the machines were taken, so she'd opted to return later. The Latino dropped his pool towel on top of the mismatched pile. "Why didn't you tell us sooner?"

Kendall's heart rate slowed down and a look of relief came over his face. "Well, I...-"

"Wait a minute!" James finally gasped out, pulling himself together enough to process the situation at hand. "... _What?_" For a moment, his heart soared, light as a feather- no, as air. This meant he had a chance!

But then it dropped into the pit of his stomach.

Or, he _would_ have a chance, if it wasn't for the spindly blond perched on Kendall's lap.

He saw fear flit through the other's bright green eyes, and he instantly regretted the manner in which he'd voiced his question. Probably, it had come across as disapproving, and that was entirely the opposite of what he'd been going for.

"I... I'm..." Kendall looked up to his boyfriend for help. "What am I...?" He'd never put a label on it, and with his mind so flustered by all that was happening, he had no idea how to describe himself.

"I believe the word that you're looking for, baby," he murmured, pressing the tip of a finger to other blond's pouty bottom lip, "is pansexual~"

Vaguely, Kendall wondered why everything out of Harmony's mouth sounded like either a song or a sweet seduction. But he just smiled. "Yeah. Pansexual. And what are you...?" Momentarily, he'd forgotten- again- that they weren't the only ones in the room.

"Gay."

"Hm? Is that so?"

Harmony chuckled lightly, smiling at him. "Mhm~"

Now that they didn't have to hide it... Leaving one hand on the other blond's hip, Kendall cupped the back of his neck again and pulled him down into another kiss.

James' eyes practically glowed green with envy. When they didn't break apart after a few moments- as he'd been hoping they would- he growled in irritation. "Hey!" Jerking the towel from where it had been flung carelessly over his shoulder, he threw it as hard as he could at the two of them. It hit Kendall in the side of the head, and the blond pulled out of the kiss to glare. "I didn't come back up here to watch you two dry hump each other on the couch!"

"Then go back downstairs."

Harmony could see James bristle. Wishing to avoid a confrontation- or at least attempt to, seeing as it was already in the makings- he cleared his throat and carefully slipped out of Kendall's lap, standing up. "Look, it's okay." He smiled and held up his hands in surrender. "I've got to leave, anyways. The bar needs to be ready for patrons, after all." And he'd given Foxy the night off, since she'd covered for him a while back when he'd gone to save his damsel. Grabbing his bag from behind the couch, he hooked it over the crook of his elbow and pulled his hair into a tight ponytail.

By this point, Kendall had stood up, as well. He grabbed his boyfriend's wrist as he turned to go and pulled him into a final kiss. "I'll see you later."

Harmony grinned and wriggled his fingers in a good-bye wave, skirting around the brunet that was still standing in the doorway. "Bye, Kenda_llll~_" he replied airily, pulling the door closed behind him.

Carlos stood, completely still, at the table, looking between his two best friends. The tension in the air was so thick that it could be sliced through with a knife. It was a heavy tension, as well; the knife would have to be incredibly sharp. At that moment, he wished he had one; it felt nearly impossible to breathe. He expected screaming. He expected arguing. Maybe a few thrown punches. _Something_.

None of that happened.

James just shook his head and turned up the stairs. A few moments later, the sound of a slamming door echoed in the otherwise silent apartment.

Kendall flinched. "Carlos... Do you think he... he...-?" He couldn't even finish the question.

But that was okay. The Latino might not have been as quick to catch on as Logan or even Kendall was, but he knew exactly where this was going. "Of course not! James isn't like that!" He walked up to his friend and put both hands on the blond's thin- they were even thinner than he'd expected- shoulders, making him look at him. "He doesn't care who you prefer to be in a relationship. Or even if you don't have a preference. We like you for you, Kendall. We've been together for years, and we wouldn't drop you for something like that; you're still the same. James has just been... moody lately. I think he's just really worried about you. Maybe he thinks a relationship will add extra, unneeded stress on you?"

The blond had forgotten how understanding and insightful Carlos could be. Before now, he hadn't realized it, but he had really missed that while he'd been avoiding his friends. He gave a small smile. "You're probably right... Thanks..."

"Any time, Kenny." Carlos grinned in the most carefree way, patting his friend on the back before he turned to the kitchen. "You want anything?" It was probably a fruitless question- their leader only ate actual meals with them; nothing in between- but he couldn't help the glimmer of hope.

"No, thanks. I just had some yogurt before you guys came back upstairs."

The smile that was turned on him was nearly blinding in its intensity, a can of Coke and a bag of cheese puffs in Carlos' hands- the snacks he'd chosen before he'd heard the news. "Really?" he asked, sounding like a child who'd gotten everything he wanted for Christmas.

Kendall laughed slightly. "Really."

"That's great! You're eating on your own!" Carlos crowed, jumping up and down on the spot in his excitement.

Once he was done, Kendall pointed to the can in his friend's hand. "Don't open that for a little while. Tap on the top before you do." he warned seriously, before turning back to the couch. He'd considered going upstairs to his room, but he wanted to give James some time to cool off first.

So he and Carlos sat in the living room, talking and flipping through channels on the television. At about six, they were joined by Logan, who looked pleased with how his date had gone; obviously, he and Camille were still together, and some people in the Palm Woods had to pay up, as this was one of the proposed break-up days.

Mama Knight and Katie returned only about thirty minutes after that. She'd brought home chicken from Popeyes. Kendall nibbled around the edge of a biscuit and the smallest chicken leg that he could find as Carlos excitedly told Jennifer that Kendall had actually eaten of his own volition earlier that day.

The blond didn't have the heart to tell him that he'd only eaten because Harmony had asked him to. (And, secretly, he'd really wanted the yogurt; peach was his favorite.)

-xXx-

That night, sleep did not come easily. Neither for Kendall, nor for James. The blond could hear his roommate constantly shifting in the bed, and that was very unusual; the other boy hardly ever moved in his sleep, so he was either sleeping restlessly or he wasn't sleeping at all. Turning over onto his side, Kendall looked at the clock on his bedside table.

_3:33_

He let out a soft breath. Would he ever get to sleep? It didn't seem like it; he'd been laying here for hours, since eleven. And he was beginning to get discouraged. Not to mention terribly bored.

"I can't believe you. You know that?" James finally burst out, fed up with staying silent all the time.

Kendall jumped in surprise when the silence was suddenly broken, looking over at his best friend, who had thrown the blankets from over his head and was now staring at the ceiling. "Wh-what...?"

"I mean. You do all... _that_. With the eating. And you don't even tell us you're _gay_-"

"I'm not gay-"

"Let alone that you have a boyfriend-!"

"James!" Kendall sat up in the bed, reaching over to turn on the lights. "You've not exactly been forthcoming lately, yourself."

"What the hell's that mean?" James, too, sat up on his bed. So that they were facing each other across the small distance.

The blond nervously bounced a foot against the carpet, furrowing his brow. The last thing he wanted was to start a fight. But this was really starting to get to him at this point. He pursed his lips, then huffed. "You're hiding your feelings. You're treating Harmony like crap. And I know he's not in our usual circle of friends, and he's a bit of an ass-"

"Tch. A _bit?_"

"But you could at least make an effort. I like him. And he helps me."

"What?" James stood up, walking over to the other's bed. Grabbing his chin firmly between strong fingers, he lifted Kendall's face so that the singer couldn't turn away. "Were we not enough for you? Are we still not enough?"

"That's no-"

"Of course it was what you meant! _I was there for you_. We all were. I tried to be there for you no matter what! When those guys beat you and left you for dead... God, I was so worried. I was so worried that I literally made myself sick on the side of the road." He wrinkled his nose at the thought of forcing Logan to pull over so that he didn't ruin the interior of their shared car when his half-eaten dinner had made a reappearance. "I was right there for you. The whole time. You could have told me anything. Or you could have told me nothing; you could have just come to me and asked me to sit with you, or to hug you, or to tell you that... that you were beautiful." The frustration suddenly resurfaced. "But you didn't do any of that!"

"That's because you don't understand what it's like, James." Kendall retorted, standing so that he wasn't vulnerable anymore. The brunet was, of course, still taller than him, but at least he wasn't craning his neck.

"I was trying!" James cried, resisting the urge to pull at his hair- not his precious hair. "You just wouldn't accept it!"

"Don't try and pin this all on me. It wasn't wrong of me to want someone who truly understands!" How could James talk to him like this? Was it really all his fault? For a moment, he mentally staggered.

Without thinking about it, James grabbed a fistful of Kendall's shirt collar and pulled him closer; it wasn't a big deal, seeing as they'd gotten physical like this before. But he missed the small flinch from Kendall and the tiny spark of fear in his eyes. "It was wrong of you to completely ditch us for him. We were making an effort. You shouldn't have completely ignored that."

"I-I didn't-" Suddenly, Kendall's voice was no longer steady. James was mad; he could see it in the other's hazel eyes. They were dark with anger.

They reminded him of his father's.

"You did! Goddamn, it is so damn- Ugh." He jostled the smaller teen for a moment. "Sometimes... I really hate you, Kendall."

The blond stared at him blankly for a moment, the words taking a few moments to process. Then his eyes widened, and he felt those stupid tears prickling again. He shoved James away from him. "F-fine. If you f-feel that way..." he replied shakily, grabbing his sneakers from the foot of the bed and running out of the door.

The moment that he was alone in the room, James realized what he'd said. "Oh, shit. No. I didn't... Kendall!" he cried, racing after his best friend. "I didn't mean it like that! It came out wrong!" As he started down the stairs, he heard the front door slam. Even knowing it would be too late, he pushed himself to run harder.

The hallway was empty when he slid out of apartment 2J.

"Goddammit. Why can't I watch my own mouth...?" he asked the open air, leaning back against the wall and slamming his head against the hard surface.

-xXx-

"I just... I can't believe he said that to me..." Kendall said softly, sounding broken and lost. He licked his spoon and then stuck it back in the carton of chocolate ice cream that he'd gotten from the freezer. From across the table, Harmony watched him. It was obvious he wanted to say something, but whatever it was, he kept it to himself. "I mean, I know I've been difficult lately... but to hate me? How can he...?" Unsure what to say, he trailed off and stuffed a large spoonful of the ice cream into his mouth.

Sighing softly, Harmony rested his elbows on the table and leaned against the wood. Normally, he'd have gone straight to bed after a night shift, but he'd come home to find his boyfriend sitting against the wall by the front door. For the past half hour, he'd been watching the boyband member gorge himself on whatever he could find in the house. A part of him wanted to point out that, once he realized what he'd done, all of the eating would only make Kendall feel worse. But then, bringing that fact to light would do the exact same. In neither scenario did either of them win. He knew; he'd been in this position multiple times.

"He didn't mean it, Kendall. 'I hate you' doesn't necessarily mean that. We say it without thinking about it- when we're upset or angry. Or sometimes we just mean that we hate a particular trait, and it comes out sounding like we hate all of the person." he explained softly, cradling his own cheek in a hand.

Kendall shook his head vehemently, knuckles turning white because he was holding the spoon so tightly. "James wouldn't say anything that he didn't mean... It's not like him."

"Everyone says things that they don't mean sometimes. It's human nature. Our mouths run away with us." Harmony had almost lost some of the people that meant the most to him because he'd not thought of what he was saying before he said it. At the time, he could blame it on his disorder. But in all honesty, it was never just that. There was always something more to it.

The singer stared into the carton of ice cream as if it would give him all of the answer. Instead, it just made him feel even worse. He'd eaten a fair amount of it; it had been almost full when he'd gotten his hands on it, and now it was nearly halfway gone. Still, he took another bite, as if it would stop the sting of tears that was threatening. He wound up having to swallow hard so that he could get the lump of frozen dairy down before he choked out a sob. "No wonder he hates me. Look at me. I'm pathetic."

Harmony sighed softly and stood up, closing up the carton of ice cream and taking the spoon. The container went back to the freezer, and the spoon was washed quickly and placed into the drying board. "You're not pathetic, babe. You're just sad." he assured Kendall as he hauled him up out of the chair. "Come to bed. You can borrow one of my shirts. You'll feel better after you get some sleep." With the pads of his thumbs, he wiped away the tears, then kissed the other's wet cheeks. Though he didn't get an agreement, there was no protest, either. So, the bartender led his boyfriend back to the bedroom, helped him change, and then settled him into bed.

After brushing his teeth, he joined him. And he didn't mind the tight embrace that he was immediately enveloped in. He simply wrapped his arms around Kendall in turn, kissing the top of his head and then nuzzling his nose into the soft blond hair.

Kendall buried his face against the other's chest. Never before had he thought that the smell of nicotine could be comforting, but it calmed him more quickly than anything else could have. He was blissfully asleep within minutes, tear tracks drying on his cheeks and a stomach that was surprisingly full.

* * *

A/N: Leave a review if you enjoyed! Favorite/follow me or the story for more. Have a great daaay~ :D


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